Shame

We generally use the words “shame” and guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did”, meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead one to Teshuvah, to take corrective action. Shame, however, is what one feels he is. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake”, whereas shame is “I am a mistake”. If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff”, there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame. --Rabbi Twerski, GYE Handbook

References

• Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 69). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Maia Szalavitz, “Being Ashamed of Drinking Prompts Relapse, Not Recovery,” Time, February 7, 2013, http://healthland.time.com/2013/02/07/being-ashamed-of-drinking-prompts-relapse-not-recovery. See Discussion page for more quotes from that article.
• The Weight of Negativity. Peele, Stanton; Thompson, Ilse. Recover! (p. 104). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
• The Concept of Shame; Digging Deeper into the Concept of Shame; Positive Shame; Pelcovitz, Dr. David. The Ultimate Guide To Achieving Maximum Personal Growth . Kindle Edition.

Assessment

• Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 114). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

In the context of Sexual Addiction

• In the literature on addiction, shame and narcissistic damage are interrelated. In my view, shame is the self experienced as unacceptable. Shame is the oxygen to the addictive fire. In the treatment programmes that we run, a reduction in shame coincides with a reduction in acting-out behaviours. Carnes writes that ‘sexual addiction rests on one key personal assumption: somehow I am not measuring up’ (1991: 94). The problem is that sexual addiction creates a Catch-22 situation. While it temporarily creates a tunnel of oblivion, afterwards it contributes to higher levels of shame. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 9). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • Reid (2013) proposes that there is evidence that maladaptive shame is a substantial problem with sexual addiction. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 57). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. See there at length.
  • I do not make any distinction between shame and guilt. Both involve the same affect system. However, the usual distinction is that guilt is about something you have done and shame is about who you are. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 58). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • Nathanson writes that ‘any attempt to understand shame demands study of its relationship to sexuality’ (1992: 288). Given our Judeo-Christian culture, it is hardly surprising that shame should be powerfully attached to sexual practice. Shame is associated with many belief systems: Evangelical Christianity, Orthodox Judaism and Islam contain profoundly shaming messages about sexuality. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

• Before we can start changing faulty core beliefs, we need to recognize what they are. Below is an exercise that can be helpful to complete to identify the most common ones. Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 114). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. (Nice assessment for identifying shame). Includes an assessment of faulty core beliefs to show if someone is experiencing shame.
  • It’s important to distinguish between shame and guilt. Shame can be described as a painfully negative emotion where the self is seen as bad and unworthy, whereas guilt is a negative judgement about a behavior. Hence guilt says ‘I have done something bad’ whereas shame says ‘I am bad.’ Both have a long tradition as both causes and consequences of addiction but research has shown that whereas shame is likely to increase addictive behavior, guilt can be a significant motivator to overcome it (Gilliland et al., 2011). Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • The links specifically between shame and sex addiction have been widely written about (Dhuffar et al., 2017), and contrary to the belief of some, the shame experienced by people with sex addiction is rarely from any ethical or anti-sex perspective. On the contrary, most of the clients I work with have no moral objection to watching pornography or visiting sex workers. Their shame comes from prioritizing these activities over and above their commitments to partners, children, friends, work, finances, health and career and personal development. Furthermore, their experience of shame is deep rooted and goes back to childhood experiences that created their faulty core beliefs, rather than simply being linked to their current behaviors. Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
    • He proposes changing using a CBA for these negative believes, writing flash cards of new positive beliefs w/ evidence. As well as using a Transactional Analysis. See also following pages for much more info on the topic, including ACT. ("Shame withers when others value us, in spite of our vulnerabilities and failures, and that is why group work and the 12-Steps are so important for addiction recovery.") Ibid p. 115-117.

Solutions

• Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 58). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• This discussion about the nature of shame brings us to treatment. There is more than education. The antidote to shame is, in part, the therapeutic relationship. Shame begets shame and, according to Mollen, the resolution is in the ‘affectionate response of another person’ (2002: 43). To be heard by a non-shaming and empathetic advocate can reduce the overwhelming feelings of shame. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
• If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 75). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I’m trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown: You’re okay. You’re human—we all make mistakes. I’ve got your back. Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 80). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Shame thrives on secret keeping, and when it comes to secrets, there’s some serious science behind the twelve-step program saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 82). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
  • In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors—specifically rape and incest survivors—kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased, and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones. Since his early work on the effects of secret keeping, Pennebaker has focused much of his research on the healing power of expressive writing. In his book Writing to Heal, Pennebaker writes, “Since the mid-1980s an increasing number of studies have focused on the value of expressive writing as a way to bring about healing. The evidence is mounting that the act of writing about traumatic experience for as little as fifteen or twenty minutes a day for three or four days can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health. Emotional writing can also affect people’s sleep habits, work efficiency, and how they connect with others.” Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 82). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Related Entries

• Understanding Masturbation
• Self Worth.
• Rav Shlomo Wolbe
• Despair
• Guilt

From GYE Members

• Just one more thought, I have been searching for something like GYE for a long time now (I don't have google search with my filter) because I was not willing to share my suffering with anyone. The feeling of being alone in the world with these challenges and no one to share them with was extremely overwhelming. Finally finding GYE gives me a feeling of relief, like "wow this is exactly what I need". @wilnevergiveup