Shame

From Rabbi Feldman:

Shame, which to [...] is a horror to be avoided at all costs, does not seem to be a negative emotion to Rabeynu Yona who lists busha as one of the ikarim of teshuva. [...] obliquely disposes of this problem by saying that what Chazal say of busha is not the same as shame. I do not know where [...] got this, since all  dictionaries translate busha as shame. I will explain why Rabeynu Yona is not a contradiction to psychological findings that shame is damaging to mental health.

Shame is a normal human emotion. If a trusted bank officer is caught embezzling he is ashamed of himself, and might even commit suicide out of his shame. What about the psychological research which says that shame is a negative emotion? Psychology is based (and this is its intrinsic fault from a Torah perspective) on the view that there is no G-d. If so, when one is shamed, one can only be ashamed of himself and thereby he loses his sense of self-worth, agreeably a detrimental wrong emotion.

But if G-d is so real to a person that when he recognizes that he sinned he is ashamed of himself before his Creator this is not negative. This does not contradict his sense of self-worth. On the contrary, because he believes that he has self-worth and not a sinner at heart, he is ashamed before G-d of not carrying out the mission which G-d gave him when He entrusting him with life. This is like the embezzler who is ashamed because he is really an honest person who committed an evil at a moment of weakness, but this is not his true self. This is a healthy shame, and unlike the conclusion of psychology, indicates what he feels he has self-worth. A totally corrupt thief who is not ashamed when he is caught, feels no shame because his self-worth is based on his ability to elude the police. He is ashamed of his friends that was not successful in eluding the police.

So shame means busha, but it is busha based on a total belief that there is a real G-d who observes his actions. This is why busha, chazal say, grants a person forgiveness from his sins and is the basis of Rabeynu Yona’s ikar hateshuva.

The same is true about self-esteem which modern psychology celebrates so widely. Consider why should a person have self-esteem? ... because “he is an incredible person”? Why is he incredible? He is only incredible because G-d cares about him and desires him to become a tsaddik. ... this is the only true source of self-esteem. Other forms of self-esteem are delusionary—why indeed is an evolutionary creature who came from nowhere and is going nowhere have self-esteem? We would laugh if an ant would strut about declaring his  self-esteem. We should laugh just as much about human self-esteem. Humans are entitled to self-esteem only because they were created by G-d not for any of the other reasons which the booklet lists. They are all delusionary and delusion is a way of life which should be avoided at all costs because ultimately reality catches up with a person.  

Dr. Yosef Shagalow:

When we talk about dangerous shame we are referring to shame that we exist, I'm shanked of who I am. Healthy shame is shame of what i did. Oh a deeper level, shame of our animal soul no shame of our G-dly soul. Shame that there is nothing good about me is bad shame. We do believe in shame as a powerful tool nevertheless there is still the concept of healthy shame and unhealthy shame. As above. Tanya is full of this idea, but instead of referring to the problem as shame, he refers to it as עצבות.

References

Definitions & Terms

• Toxic Shame: This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological state called toxic shame. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad. Glover, Robert. No More Mr. Nice Guy (pp. 38-39). Kindle Edition.
• Maladaptive Shame: Also it might help to change "Shame" to "Negative/Destructive/Maladaptive Shame" (or "a feeling of worthlessness"). See https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-knowledge/201211/adaptive-and-maladaptive-shame See also שפת אמת ויקרא פרשת שמיני: וכלל הדברים כי בושה ודאגה של אמת אינו מביא לידי עצבות ואינו מביא לשום מניעה בעבודת ה', ועוד מביא אח"כ שמחה. And then we can paraphrase Brown, "Destructive shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging".
• Stuewig (2016), Children’s Proneness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood, also has a nice distinction, "feelings of shame involve a painful focus on the self (e.g., "I did something bad"). The experience of shame is often accompanied by a sense of shrinking, of being small, of worthlessness and powerlessness, and of being exposed.  .... In contrast, feelings of guilt involve a focus on a specific behavior (e.g., "I did something bad"). The experience of guilt is often accompanied by a sense of tension, of remorse, and of regret over the "bad thing done."
  • We generally use the words “shame” and guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did”, meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead one to Teshuvah, to take corrective action. Shame, however, is what one feels he is. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake”, whereas shame is “I am a mistake”. If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff”, there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame. --Rabbi Twerski, GYE Handbook

In the context of Sexual Addiction

• @Florin: Shame leading to more porn use by triggering neurotic coping (anxiety, vulnerability etc.) (Reid2011; authors note: "whereas shame appears to be a good candidate for the triggering of neurotic coping as one feature of hypersexuality, shame is not a necessary condition". Self compasion can help with this as per Reid RC et al. Shame, rumination, and self-compassion in men assessed for hypersexual disorder. J Psychiatr Pract. 2014 Jul;20(4):260-8.
  • Abstract: A number of studies have linked maladaptive shame to higher levels of hypersexual behavior and tendencies to ruminate. However, little research has examined factors that may attenuate the negative impact that shame and rumination may have on hypersexuality. Drawing on data collected from male patients (N = 172) assessed for hypersexual disorder in a DSM-5 field trial, path analysis was used to explore relationships among shame, rumination, self-compassion, and hypersexual behavior. The findings from this stud showed that self-compassion partially mediated the relationship between shame and rumination and hypersexual behavior. The implications of these results are discussed and directions for future research are offered.
• @Florin: Shame leading to more porn use due to moral incongruence-related distress as per the Moral Incongruence model (see figure 2 in Lewczuk et al (2020). Evaluating Pornography Problems Due to Moral Incongruence Model. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 17(2), 300–311.)
• @Florin: Within the Moral Incongruence model,  shame might also impact CSB by reducing self-efficacy (i.e. the belief in your personal ability to control strong urges). From Briken: "The 12-step approach considers spiritual and religious influences in the evaluation of sexual behaviour and the resulting options for interventions and therapy, which might increase feelings of addiction to pornography as a function of moral incongruence between pornography-related beliefs and pornography-related behaviours. Another concern with a such programmes is their basis in belief in a higher power, which might limit some patients’ own ability and self-efficacy."
• 3.4 - The role of shame in sexual addiction: A review of empirical research Manpreet K. Dhuffar and Mark D. Griffiths in Birchard, T., & Benfield, J. (Eds.). (2017). Routledge International Handbook of Sexual Addiction. Routledge International Handbooks.
• In the literature on addiction, shame and narcissistic damage are interrelated. In my view, shame is the self experienced as unacceptable. Shame is the oxygen to the addictive fire. In the treatment programmes that we run, a reduction in shame coincides with a reduction in acting-out behaviours. Carnes writes that ‘sexual addiction rests on one key personal assumption: somehow I am not measuring up’ (1991: 94). The problem is that sexual addiction creates a Catch-22 situation. While it temporarily creates a tunnel of oblivion, afterwards it contributes to higher levels of shame. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 9). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • Reid (2013) proposes that there is evidence that maladaptive shame is a substantial problem with sexual addiction. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 57). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. See there at length.
  • I do not make any distinction between shame and guilt. Both involve the same affect system. However, the usual distinction is that guilt is about something you have done and shame is about who you are. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 58). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • Nathanson writes that ‘any attempt to understand shame demands study of its relationship to sexuality’ (1992: 288). Given our Judeo-Christian culture, it is hardly surprising that shame should be powerfully attached to sexual practice. Shame is associated with many belief systems: Evangelical Christianity, Orthodox Judaism and Islam contain profoundly shaming messages about sexuality. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

• Before we can start changing faulty core beliefs, we need to recognize what they are. Below is an exercise that can be helpful to complete to identify the most common ones. Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 114). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. (Nice assessment for identifying shame). Includes an assessment of faulty core beliefs to show if someone is experiencing shame.
  • It’s important to distinguish between shame and guilt. Shame can be described as a painfully negative emotion where the self is seen as bad and unworthy, whereas guilt is a negative judgement about a behavior. Hence guilt says ‘I have done something bad’ whereas shame says ‘I am bad.’ Both have a long tradition as both causes and consequences of addiction but research has shown that whereas shame is likely to increase addictive behavior, guilt can be a significant motivator to overcome it (Gilliland et al., 2011). Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • The links specifically between shame and sex addiction have been widely written about (Dhuffar et al., 2017), and contrary to the belief of some, the shame experienced by people with sex addiction is rarely from any ethical or anti-sex perspective. On the contrary, most of the clients I work with have no moral objection to watching pornography or visiting sex workers. Their shame comes from prioritizing these activities over and above their commitments to partners, children, friends, work, finances, health and career and personal development. Furthermore, their experience of shame is deep rooted and goes back to childhood experiences that created their faulty core beliefs, rather than simply being linked to their current behaviors. Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
    • He proposes changing using a CBA for these negative believes, writing flash cards of new positive beliefs w/ evidence. As well as using a Transactional Analysis. See also following pages for much more info on the topic, including ACT. ("Shame withers when others value us, in spite of our vulnerabilities and failures, and that is why group work and the 12-Steps are so important for addiction recovery.") Ibid p. 115-117.
  • I had one patient who was plagued by shame and he finally called two reliable family members together to tell them about his sexual acting out. I was present. His sister cried and his uncle offered to pay for his treatment. They loved him. His uncle reached out his hand out to him. The patient told me afterwards that this had never happened before. He texted me after the session to say that he felt at peace. Shame is reduced, even wiped out, on exposure to the light. There is no longer any need to live a double life or to hide the broken part of the self from others. In fact, we are all broken. Birchard, Thaddeus. Overcoming Sex Addiction . Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

General

• Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 69). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Maia Szalavitz, “Being Ashamed of Drinking Prompts Relapse, Not Recovery,” Time, February 7, 2013, http://healthland.time.com/2013/02/07/being-ashamed-of-drinking-prompts-relapse-not-recovery. See Discussion page for more quotes from that article.
• The Weight of Negativity. Peele, Stanton; Thompson, Ilse. Recover! (p. 104). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
• The Concept of Shame; Digging Deeper into the Concept of Shame; Positive Shame; Pelcovitz, Dr. David. The Ultimate Guide To Achieving Maximum Personal Growth . Kindle Edition.

Assessment

• Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 114). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition

Solutions

• Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 58). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/transcript#t-602785
• This discussion about the nature of shame brings us to treatment. There is more than education. The antidote to shame is, in part, the therapeutic relationship. Shame begets shame and, according to Mollen, the resolution is in the ‘affectionate response of another person’ (2002: 43). To be heard by a non-shaming and empathetic advocate can reduce the overwhelming feelings of shame. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
• If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 75). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I’m trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown: You’re okay. You’re human—we all make mistakes. I’ve got your back. Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 80). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Shame thrives on secret keeping, and when it comes to secrets, there’s some serious science behind the twelve-step program saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 82). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
  • In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors—specifically rape and incest survivors—kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased, and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones. Since his early work on the effects of secret keeping, Pennebaker has focused much of his research on the healing power of expressive writing. In his book Writing to Heal, Pennebaker writes, “Since the mid-1980s an increasing number of studies have focused on the value of expressive writing as a way to bring about healing. The evidence is mounting that the act of writing about traumatic experience for as little as fifteen or twenty minutes a day for three or four days can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health. Emotional writing can also affect people’s sleep habits, work efficiency, and how they connect with others.” Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 82). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Related Entries

• Understanding Masturbation
• Self Worth.
• Rav Shlomo Wolbe
• Despair
• Guilt

Torah Sources

• תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדרים דף כ עמוד א: תניא: בעבור תהיה יראתו על פניכם - זו בושה, לבלתי תחטאו - מלמד שהבושה מביאה לידי יראת חטא; מיכן אמרו: סימן יפה באדם שהוא ביישן. אחרים אומרים: כל אדם המתבייש לא במהרה הוא חוטא, ומי שאין לו בושת פנים - בידוע שלא עמדו אבותיו על הר סיני.

From GYE Members

• Just one more thought, I have been searching for something like GYE for a long time now (I don't have google search with my filter) because I was not willing to share my suffering with anyone. The feeling of being alone in the world with these challenges and no one to share them with was extremely overwhelming. Finally finding GYE gives me a feeling of relief, like "wow this is exactly what I need". @wilnevergiveup