Shame

We generally use the words “shame” and guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did”, meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead one to Teshuvah, to take corrective action. Shame, however, is what one feels he is. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake”, whereas shame is “I am a mistake”. If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff”, there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame. --Rabbi Twerski, GYE Handbook

References

• Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 69). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Maia Szalavitz, “Being Ashamed of Drinking Prompts Relapse, Not Recovery,” Time, February 7, 2013, http://healthland.time.com/2013/02/07/being-ashamed-of-drinking-prompts-relapse-not-recovery. See Discussion page for more quotes from that article.
• The Weight of Negativity. Peele, Stanton; Thompson, Ilse. Recover! (p. 104). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
• The Concept of Shame; Digging Deeper into the Concept of Shame; Positive Shame; Pelcovitz, Dr. David. The Ultimate Guide To Achieving Maximum Personal Growth . Kindle Edition.

Assessment

• Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 114). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

In the context of Sexual Addiction

• Reid (2013) proposes that there is evidence that maladaptive shame is a substantial problem with sexual addiction. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 57). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. See there at length.
  • I do not make any distinction between shame and guilt. Both involve the same affect system. However, the usual distinction is that guilt is about something you have done and shame is about who you are. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 58). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • Nathanson writes that ‘any attempt to understand shame demands study of its relationship to sexuality’ (1992: 288). Given our Judeo-Christian culture, it is hardly surprising that shame should be powerfully attached to sexual practice. Shame is associated with many belief systems: Evangelical Christianity, Orthodox Judaism and Islam contain profoundly shaming messages about sexuality. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

• Before we can start changing faulty core beliefs, we need to recognize what they are. Below is an exercise that can be helpful to complete to identify the most common ones. Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 114). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. (Nice assessment for identifying shame). Includes an assessment of faulty core beliefs to show if someone is experiencing shame.
  • It’s important to distinguish between shame and guilt. Shame can be described as a painfully negative emotion where the self is seen as bad and unworthy, whereas guilt is a negative judgement about a behavior. Hence guilt says ‘I have done something bad’ whereas shame says ‘I am bad.’ Both have a long tradition as both causes and consequences of addiction but research has shown that whereas shame is likely to increase addictive behavior, guilt can be a significant motivator to overcome it (Gilliland et al., 2011). Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
  • The links specifically between shame and sex addiction have been widely written about (Dhuffar et al., 2017), and contrary to the belief of some, the shame experienced by people with sex addiction is rarely from any ethical or anti-sex perspective. On the contrary, most of the clients I work with have no moral objection to watching pornography or visiting sex workers. Their shame comes from prioritizing these activities over and above their commitments to partners, children, friends, work, finances, health and career and personal development. Furthermore, their experience of shame is deep rooted and goes back to childhood experiences that created their faulty core beliefs, rather than simply being linked to their current behaviors. Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
    • He proposes changing using a CBA for these negative believes, writing flash cards of new positive beliefs w/ evidence. As well as using a Transactional Analysis. See also following pages for much more info on the topic, including ACT. ("Shame withers when others value us, in spite of our vulnerabilities and failures, and that is why group work and the 12-Steps are so important for addiction recovery.") Ibid p. 115-117.

Solutions

• Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 58). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• This discussion about the nature of shame brings us to treatment. There is more than education. The antidote to shame is, in part, the therapeutic relationship. Shame begets shame and, according to Mollen, the resolution is in the ‘affectionate response of another person’ (2002: 43). To be heard by a non-shaming and empathetic advocate can reduce the overwhelming feelings of shame. Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

Related Entries

• Understanding Masturbation
• Self Worth.
• Rav Shlomo Wolbe
• Despair
• Guilt

From GYE Members

• Just one more thought, I have been searching for something like GYE for a long time now (I don't have google search with my filter) because I was not willing to share my suffering with anyone. The feeling of being alone in the world with these challenges and no one to share them with was extremely overwhelming. Finally finding GYE gives me a feeling of relief, like "wow this is exactly what I need". @wilnevergiveup