Understanding Masturbation

See also Beliefs about Urges

The Torah consider Shmiras Habris to be very important, see Zera Levatala. The reasons are complex and are discussed in depth in והתקדשתם and other seforim. This page focuses on how the most effective way to think about it and deal with it in order to get the best result.

Research

• Masturbating to porn? Your relationship may suffer. Two large surveys from U.S. found that masturbation has a significant negative impact on relationships for both men and women. Masturbation seems to be more harmful for relationships than porn alone. (Note: Other studies have frequently found that the pornography use may have consequences for relationship satisfaction too. See Understanding Pornography.)
• See also here in the "understanding masturbation" tab.

Practical Reasons

When a pleasurable and intimate activity is always shared with one person ( e.g., a wife) to the exclusion of anyone else, that both indicates a closeness and causes further closeness [siman & siba]. If this activity is also experienced with others (or even a person alone) - in the past or the present - then it reduces both the specialness and the intensity of the experience with the wife.

I often illustrate this with the following true story. When I was about 19, a younger bochur who recently arrived in the yeshiva and who I had never met came into the bais medrash and sat next to me. He then proceeded to pour his heart out regarding very personal family issues he was struggling with. Initially, I was flattered that he somehow sensed that I was the right person to speak to, confirming my recent decision to become a therapist. Unfortunately, the next day I discovered that he poured his heart out to anyone who would listen. This certainly made his interaction with me much less meaningful.

Masturbation (and pornography) establishes sexual pleasure as not related to an intimate relationship. This reduces the potency of physical intimacy in marriage to be an exclusive and powerful tool in cementing the relationship.

—Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin

"In a letter to a friend, Oxford scholar C. S. Lewis offered some insights about masturbation. He said that a man’s sexual appetite is meant to lead him out of himself, to lead him into being a self-gift that both completes and corrects his personality—first by sharing whole-life oneness with a lover and second by procreating children. With masturbation, however, the appetite is turned in on itself and “sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides”. What is the harm in this? Lewis says that the problem with masturbation is that a man comes to prefer his fantasy world to reality,

'for the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides, he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself... After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided that retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.'"

—Fradd, Matthew. The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography (pp. 104-105). Ignatius Press. Kindle Edition.

More perspectives:

• "It is a lonely and selfish action. Hashem created this drive for the purpose of a husband and wife connecting, giving to each other, and potentially creating another life, a selfless act on so many levels. Masturbation is a corruption of the essence of the proper and intended purpose for this drive. Engaging in masturbation conditions a person to see the expression of this drive as a selfish act and can reduce the happiness one can experience in marriage [if it continues even then].
• In addition, marriage benefits greatly from being exclusive (the language of “kedushin” indicates this as well)... Even experiences in these areas of kedusha with oneself, as a selfish act, take away from the specialness of these experiences being exclusive to marriage.
• It should be considered that due to the strength of this drive, it is easier for an addiction to form. Sometimes bochurim might use masturbation as an escape from a particular stress or issue in their life or psyche.
• See also Beliefs about Urges and Phased reduction

An article by #Howard

There’s a joke about a bochur who finally gets married. When asked how it was, he replied, “It was okay, but not as good as the real thing.”

In that joke there is a serious point about self-sex. Besides for prohibition involved, when masturbation becomes the norm, there is a real risk that sexual relations with a partner do become impacted, and the whole sexual experience seriously affected.

Self-sex runs the risk of impacting sex with a partner problematic for various reasons.

First, with self-sex the focus is entirely on your self. There is no attention needed or given to another partner. When repeated many times, as self-sex often is, this can lead to the development of a very self-centered mindset, where little or no attention is given to a partner. In addition, you are training your body to respond to your touch. This can again be problematic when you engage with a sexual partner, when the partners’ touching of each other contributes to the overall level of intimacy and excitement.

This focus on entirely physical pleasure, also prevents sex with a partner from being really intimate and just an exercise in temporary pleasure rather than something meaningful.

More problems come when self-sex is used as a way of  dealing with anxiety, stress, loneliness and other uncomfortable states.  Over time sexual arousal and performance can be associated with these states, potentially inviting sexual dysfunction.

In addition, these mood states might lead to diminished sexual performance. For example, the fight-flight syndrome, the body’s main stress response, actually biologically limits blood flow to various parts of the body, including the penis, thereby restricting erectile activity. So, someone using self-sex to manage anxiety, might find performance getting worse, potentially leading to more anxiety and a downward spiral in sexual function.

It is often said that self-sex is used as a means of relief from certain uncomfortable emotional states. However, sex is not meant to be used as “relief”. Seeing sex, especially self-sex, as a way of relieving uncomfortable emotions is a mistake. Very often, rather than sex relieving the problematic psychological states, those same states make sex a problem.

Approaches

Note: The approaches are divided here only for convenience.

Approach 1

Current GYE Approach, based on the sources below.

• For people who feel that they are full in control of it (more or less), focusing on this can be counterproductive, as it will increase masturbation rather than reducing it. Instead they should treat it like any Mitzvah (e.g. Lashon Hara) and focus should be on learning, life etc. If they have any concerns, they should be encourage to speak about it a Rebbe.
  • It can help them to know that their Rebbe has surely spoken to countless bochurim about it, and he certainly won't lose any respect for the talmid. In any case, every talmid is בחזקת someone who has a struggle. So that fact that he is opening up, will only gain him respect. If he's not sure how to start the conversation we suggest that he can, "Rebbe, I want to speak to you about something private that I'm struggling with..." and his Rebbe will almost certainly guess.
• For people who feel that it is out of control, we focus on the following:
  • Speak to someone about it. “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive”. When you talk to a person who you know won't judge you, it will automatically remove any unhealthy shame about it. Shame makes you feel inferior to everyone else, and it leads to you feel that there is something wrong with you. When the shame is gone, you'll feel that you're a great guy who Hashem loves, just with a problematic behavior that you need to work on.
  • Chizuk & Normalization. When speaking to someone, you'll find out that the struggle is normal. You'll also find out that you're not the only one with this issue, and there are many other top bochurim, and very choshuveh people who struggle too.
  • Discuss practical steps (see Interventions), and keep in touch with that person as needed. Sometimes you can gain control pretty quickly, sometimes it's more of a journey.
  • As soon as you've gotten back control, you're focus will be on living a happy life with davening, learning, friends, hobbies etc.
  • You can do basic teshuvah anytime and you can go to Mikvah too. You can also schedule a time for it once a month or so for a few minutes. But worrying about the past and tikunim is something should wait until after marriage (or for a married guy, after he has been clean for a while, e.g. 1-2 years). Until then, working on Teshuva can a ploy by the Yetzer Hara - it causes obsession with the topic which can lead you back in to the cycle. Fasting is also never condoned.
• We don't focus on the negative effects written in Seforim, as generally GYE members have more than enough guilt already. Instead we just ask the GYE member "Why do you want to stop?" and leave it at that. We also focus on the great sechar and benefits for overcoming temptations. This way, as a member makes progress he'll feel that he can celebrate the successes, even if if he's not perfect. The most important part of Teshuva is עזיבת החטא, and overcoming the Nisyonon is in itself a tremendous tikun that repairs the damage that has been done by the falls.
• If a member asks why Hashem doesn't allow it, we'll respond that there are many Mitzvos for which we don't necessarily know the reason (e.g. Kosher). We also talk about the fact that Kedusha is one of the only mitzvos that is still a nisayon today, and that Hashem may be testing us how much we're ready to do for him.
• This approach has been tested a lot at GYE and it works quite well.

Dealing with Motivation

The Torah consider Shmiras Habris to be very important, see Zera Levatala. The reasons are complex and are discussed in depth in והתקדשתם. This leads to a dilemma with how to approach the motivation of stopping masturbation. If we focus too much on the negatives, it will lead to despair. We'll think we're so terrible, that Hashem is not interested in us anymore, and there's no point in trying to do other Mitzvos. Many young GYE members report that they have a hard time learning and davening the next day because they feel so distant from Hashem. Worse, these uncomfortable feelings lead to engaging in masturbating even more, because we want to do something pleasurable to escape the excessive guilt. In such cases, there's no point in discussing reasons why to stop masturbation, as they already know that. Instead the focus should be on Normalization and learning skills to be able move forward.

On the other hand, after struggling for a long time, our senses can be come dulled, and we feel like we don't care anymore. In those cases, we need clarity about why we should start working on this again. In such cases, we find that the most motivating reasons when it comes to masturbation are ones that focus on the positives, i.e what can be gained by changing and perhaps moderate negative results from masturbation that don't lead to excessive guilt. This way there is no risk of falling into despair, and we feel energized and excited to start working on it.

"Rav Dessler cautions us that resisting illicit temptations solely via repression is like pressing on a spring. The harder you press the harder it pushes back. Based on this concept, Rav Chaim Friedlander advises that we should frame our avodas Hashem in positive terms, focusing on the benefits of following the Torah rather than on the negative consequences of breaking the rules. Rav Wolbe gives similar advice regarding learning mussar. [... ]Interestingly, studies show that diets and attempts to stop smoking that emphasize the positive consequences of eating healthy and not smoking are more effective than messages that emphasize the negative consequences of smoking and obesity. This should caution us not to become overly reliant on negative consequences as an educational tool." –Dr. Bentzion Sorotzkin

Approach 2

• The Hebrew edition of Zos Brisi (printed in 5773/2013) does not avoid talking about the severity of z"l from various mekoros. It has received Haskamos from many Gedolim, R' Chaim Kanievsky, R' Aharon Leib Shteinman, R' Shmuel Vozner, R' Nissim Karelitz, R' Moshe Shterbuch, R' Aryeh Malkiel Kotler, R' Dovid Kohn, and many more. Most of this material has been ommited from the English version of the book.
• The new 2 volume encyclopedia set of seforim called והתקדשתם by Rabbi Kalman Krohn zt"l of Lakewood, has Haskamos of R' Chaim Kanievsky, R' Shmuel Vozner and more. It includes everything on the topic. In his view, learning about the topic from Torah sources, will never cause any harm. And playing down the importance of shmiras habris can lead to laxity and a lack of awareness. In his introduction he discusses the difference between the various approaches to the topic.
• Play the Yetzer Hara’s game and Win! A proposal for an approach that does focus on the negative effects written about in Seforim, but in a light, fun way.

Approach 3

General Chassidish approach

• See intro to והתקדשתם where he discusses this approach.

Approach 4

The Chabad Approach

• More info

Approach 5

Breslev

Understanding the Words of Chazal

Most of those who have been nichshal have already seen the dark picture that is painted in many sefarim for someone who slipped in this area. This creates a tremendous amount of guilt and hopelessness. Quite often these feelings do more harm than good. The person gets upset by what he sees written in sefarim and then continues to act out and becomes more upset. It is therefore imperative for any person struggling with this nisayon to gain a proper understanding into the words of Chazal on this topic.

The main idea that must be conveyed is that not everything written in sefarim was intended for every person at every time. A person needs to have a Rebbi who tells him what Chazal meant and who they were addressing. If a bachur has a hard time accepting this, it can be pointed out to him that even within the words of Chazal, there seem to be various contradictions. There are some ma’amarei Chazal that give hope and chizuk, while others discuss the negativity and punishments.

Obviously there are no real contradictions in Chazal, and all of their words are true. However, the point being made here is that just as one needs a Rebbi to teach him how to understand a sugya in Shas, so, too, must one have a Rebbi to understand this sugya in hashkafah. Additionally, it’s important to emphasize that anything written in sefarim pertaining to this topic was done with one intention in mind: to get a person to stop his bad behaviors. If a bachur sees that he’s acting out more after learning from a specific sefer, or he is falling into a deeper depression, then he is obviously coming away with a message contrary to the purpose for which the sefer was written. If he then asks you what the correct understanding is, you can offer to sit down and figure out the pshat together. However, you should stress to him that whatever the pshat might be, it’s not the one that he had in mind, the proof being that his understanding is leading him in the wrong direction.

• See מרכבות ארגמן סי' לג for a many sources on the topic.

Learning the Halachos

R' Avi Landa, in Maintaining Kedusha

Some bochurim might get tremendous chizuk from going through the Shulchan Aruch – Even Haezer Siman 23. Seeing how the Torah and Chazal deal with this tayva as real, and powerful, can be validating and normalizing for a bochur. Additionally, there are multiple halachos there detailing with how to be careful. These halachos can be enlightening and helpful for the bochur working on self-control in this area. - .

Ozeir Bigevurah p 39-40.

A bachur might have been under the mistaken impression that being careful with this inyan is a frumkeit, or that it’s something that’s not mei’ikar hadin. Clarifying that these issurim are explicit halachos in Shulchan Oruch often helps in terms of recognizing their severity. Many bachurim have said that while they knew it was bad and felt guilty about it, they never knew the full extent of the issur, and learning the halachos helped them a lot. Rav Yisroel Salanter ztz”l writes that by learning the halachos of what is muttar or assur, as well as the gedarim that Chazal instituted, a person gains in his zehirus.

In addition to gaining an understanding of the scope of these halachos, seeing them brought down in the Shulchan Oruch also helps a bachur see that it’s normal, not something far-fetched or uncommon. A bachur can often relate to the struggle better after learning about it inside a sefer. There is, however, one important point that one should bear in mind when discussing the halachos with a bachur. There are situations when a person is not ready to abide by the halachos, and seeing them will only minimize the chashivus of the Shulchan Oruch in his eyes. He may tell himself, “What can I do?! I guess I am unable to keep the Shulchan Oruch!” You therefore have to make sure that the bachur is at a stage where he could control himself, and that learning the halachos won’t do more damage than good.

A discussion of the onshim: Hearing about the punishments in store for someone who falls in this area can be pretty frightening, but this is not a reason to completely eliminate yir’as ha’onesh from our avodas Hashem. Chazal told us the onshim because they wanted us to be aware of them. However, when you discuss onshim with a bachur, you must be extra cautious. If he is still at a point where he hasn’t done enough good yet, then it will be too hard for him to hear them. You might chas v’shalom bring about yi’ush in the bachur’s heart, or even a hatred towards Chazal for depicting such a bleak picture of his situation. Therefore, while it can sometimes be helpful for him to know about certain onshim, that applies only after one is doing well and wants to become stronger in his avodas Hashem. The yir’as ha’onesh can then act as a deterrent when he is faced with a struggle. Overall, though, you will need to use tremendous shikul hada’as (and at times ask a she’eilas chacham) with regards to how and when to mention these punishments.

Torah Sources

• Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer Siman 23
• Encyclopedia Talmudis השחתת זרע
• Teshuva is possible, see Teshuva.

Normalization & Not emphasizing the severity

• חיד"א פני דוד עה"פ זאת הפעם עצם מעצמי שכאשר האדם מצוי בעצבות הסט"א מתלבשת בו ויש לה כח להחטיאו בפגם הברית.
• וראה עוד ב'השקפת התורה על הגבלות, סייגים ומיניות' עמ' 4 מאת הד"ר בן ציון סורוצקין: התחום המיני מועד במיוחד לתחושות עזות של אשמה ובושה, והוא מהווה כר פורה למצוקה רגשית אצל בני נוער חרדים. אחת הסיבות לכך היא שמדובר בתחום אישי ביותר ולכן צעירים נוטים להאמין שהם היחידים החוטאים בעברות אלו. משום כך הם מתרשמים עמוקות מהערות חמורות שהם קוראים בספרי קודש, זאת לעומת תגובתם להערות חריפות דומות באשר לחסרונותיהם בתחומים פומביים יותר (כגון לשון הרע).

• פעם שאלו הר' אליהו שויי ז"ל ראש ישיבת פילאדעלפיע בראשית יסדו את הישיבה שלו, מה סיבת העצבות של בחורים היום. ענה לו המשגיח ז"ל שיש שתי סיבות. ראשית אין להם תוכנית, לומדים בלי מטרה. ושנית על שנכשלים בחטא הידוע. והצעה לזה היא להקל מעליהם הענין. (תורת רבי יחזקאל עמ' 324)
• Due to his concern that issues around הוצאת זרע would cause depression and yiush, R’ Yaakov Kamenetsky has often been quoted as saying - "don’t look in the holy seforim." (קוק נישט אין די הייליגע ספרים). See also a quote from him in Nocturnal Emissions.
• ר׳ שלמה וולבה – אגרות וכתבים ח"א – מכתב כד: "הפסק לחפש בספרים מה שמדברים על אותו חטא, ומה שכבר רשמת לך – תגנוז. היצר המביא לחטא זה הוא כה ערום, שכל מחשבה על החטא, ואפילו מחשבה של חרטה ותשובה, עלולה לגרום שוב את היצר לעבור", עיי"ש.
• הרב משה מונק (באספקלריה של תורה, עמ' 103-104): סח לי מחנך אחד... בא אלי חניך, וקיצור שולחן ערוך פתוח לפניו, וקורא לפני: "אסור להוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה, ועון זה חמור מכל עבירות שבתורה, ואלו שמנאפים ביד ומוציאים זרע לבטלה, לא די להם שאיסור גדול הוא, אלא שהעושה זאת הוא בנדוי, ועליהם נאמר ידיכם דמים מלאו, וכאלו הורג את הנפש" (קצוש''ע קנ''א, א). ואומר החניך: אני רוצח מתמיד, ואין לי כפרה, ואמשיך לרצוח, חיי אבודים. ושואל המחנך: ומה אענה לו? אמרתי לו: הבטוי "חמור מכל עבירות שבתורה" לאו דווקא (ראה אבן העזר כ''ג, א, ושם בבית שמואל ["כתב חלקת מחוקק (שם) בשם ספר החסידים (סי' קעו) אם מתירא שלא יכשל באשת איש או בנדה ח"ו טוב לו להוציא זרע לבטלה [עיי"ש]... לפי"ז מה שכתב בזוהר וכאן דעון ש"ז חמיר מכל עבירות לאו דוקא"]). ועכשיו פְּתַח לפני החניך הלכות לשון הרע, ואלה דבריו: "והוא עון גדול וגורם להרוג נפשות מישראל, לכך נסמך לו ולא תעמוד על דם רעך, צא ולמד מה אירע לדואג האדומי", ואח''כ: "ולא נחתם גזר דין על אבותינו במדבר אלא על לשון הרע בלבד" (סימן ל, א-ב). ובכן תגיד לחניכך: אני המחנך ג''כ רוצח, כי גם אני אינני מצליח להימנע מדיבור לשון הרע. שנינו חוטאים חטאים חמורים, ועל שנינו לא להתייאש אלא להתאמץ לתקן דרכינו, כל אחד בתחומו. ע''י השוואת איסור שז''ל ללשון הרע נטלתי את העוקץ, המלווה חטאים בתחום העריות; הוצאתי חטא זה מתחום האמוציות החריפות, והכנסתי אותו לתחום כל החטאים שהאדם נגוע בהם. לא ביטלתי רגש האשמה. אלא העתקתי אותו מתחום הפחדים האי-רציונליים אל תחום המצפון ולשטח של יראת חטא כללית.
• See The Steipler.
• R’ Elya Brudny Shlita cites R’ Yisroel Salanter regarding קלות וחמורות that Hashem is very sensitive to the differences between what is easier and what is more challenging to us. Obviously as society has now bombarded youngsters with explicit inappropriate messages and imagery in ways that are unprecedented, that goes into the cheshbon of how the transgression and retribution are weighed.
• בספר אשיב ממצולות עמ' 101: ממו״ר הרב יעקב אריאל שליט״א ‏שמעתי שבימינו צריך להדריך להפריד בין סוגיית קדושת הברית לבין שאר ענייני עבודת ה׳. אסור שמידת הצלחתו של האדם בהתמודדות עם יצרו תהיה עבורו מבחן לשער ענייני הקדושה שבהם הוא עסוק ולמידת קרבתו אל ה׳. אל לו לפקפק ‏בכנות תפילתו ותורתו, וודאי שלא להימנע מהם, גם אם הוא נגוע בחטאים בענייני הברית. והוסיף הרב יהושע שפירא שליט"א, שטעם הדבר הוא שהפריצות שוטפת בימינו ללא מעצור ועל-כן היא יוצרת התמודדות בתחום זה בסדרי גודל שאינם דומים לדורות אחרים, מה שאין כן בשאר ענייני תורה ומצוות (אע״פ שגם בהם השתנה דורינו מכל דור).