Difference between revisions of "Shmiras Einayim"

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* Stories - והאר עיננו עמ' יד ואילך
 
* Stories - והאר עיננו עמ' יד ואילך
 
* Advantages - והאר עיננו פרק א
 
* Advantages - והאר עיננו פרק א
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* Second looks ישראל קדושים הארפענעס עמ' קב בשם הקובריענע זצ"ל מובא בתורת אבות. In general, he has many tips there in Ch. 4.
 
'''Rav Friedlander's Positive Approach'''  
 
'''Rav Friedlander's Positive Approach'''  
  
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=== Davening for the Person ===
 
=== Davening for the Person ===
  
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* My favorite tool for getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes. If '''that'''<nowiki/>' does not work, I make sure to try and do the diametric opposite of whatever my lust is: Meaning, instead of worshipping or sexually devouring the person or image or whatever, I pause and pray (with actual spoken words, in private) for the person or institution involved me'umka deliba as best I am able right then. Not for them to 'finally see the light and stop being so provocative or promiscuous` - that judgementalism poisons me no matter how much my morality agrees with it. It is ''more'' than useless. Rather, I daven that Hashem should give them health and comfort in this life and whatever is afterward, and that He grant them a progressive awareness of Him and of all the good in their lives, and that He give them clarity in how all the good in their lives comes from Him, and that he even grants them acceptance that all the hard times they may have in their long futures is a ''gift'' from Him somehow, and that they also have peace of mind to really do right by themselves and by G-d. Then I may ask for all the same for me: Health, Comfort, Progressive awareness of Him in my life, and Peace of mind.<ref>#Dov - Excerpt from <nowiki>https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/80197-getting-the-urge-OUT-of-your-head-the-thread#104007</nowiki></ref>
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* Weiss, D. (2000). 101 Freedom Exercises (3rd Ed). Tip 14 - Pray for those we objectify.
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* My favorite tool for<nowiki/> getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes. If '''that'''<nowiki/>' does not work, I make sure to try and do the diametric opposite of whatever my lust is: Meaning, instead of worshipping or sexually devouring the person or image or whatever, I pause and pray (with actual spoken words, in private) for the person or institution involved me'umka deliba as best I am able right then. Not for them to 'finally see the light and stop being so provocative or promiscuous` - that judgementalism poisons me no matter how much my morality agrees with it. It is ''more'' than useless. Rather, I daven that Hashem should give them health and comfort in this life and whatever is afterward, and that He grant them a progressive awareness of Him and of all the good in their lives, and that He give them clarity in how all the good in their lives comes from Him, and that he even grants them acceptance that all the hard times they may have in their long futures is a ''gift'' from Him somehow, and that they also have peace of mind to really do right by themselves and by G-d. Then I may ask for all the same for me: Health, Comfort, Progressive awareness of Him in my life, and Peace of mind.<ref>#Dov - Excerpt from <nowiki>https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/80197-getting-the-urge-OUT-of-your-head-the-thread#104007</nowiki></ref>
  
 
* I also tried the davening approach; so I prayed for her, but I was praying that she and I would be holding hands by the Kosel (thru the mechitzah of course), both of us fervently praying that this relationship should last.<ref>#Trouble - https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/330962-Mickey-Mouse-Approach#330962</ref>
 
* I also tried the davening approach; so I prayed for her, but I was praying that she and I would be holding hands by the Kosel (thru the mechitzah of course), both of us fervently praying that this relationship should last.<ref>#Trouble - https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/330962-Mickey-Mouse-Approach#330962</ref>
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== Other tips ==
 
== Other tips ==
  
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* See [[Situation-focused reappraisal]] (includes nice study about 2 methods)
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** See also Weiss, D. (2000). 101 Freedom Exercises (3rd Ed). Tip 15 - Looking them in the eyes. (Ask @Dov about this)
 
* Commit not to look around curiously, and that you're only goal is to get to your destination. (והאר עיננו עמ' ו)
 
* Commit not to look around curiously, and that you're only goal is to get to your destination. (והאר עיננו עמ' ו)
 
** Same idea in Positive Vision Day 61.
 
** Same idea in Positive Vision Day 61.
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* See [[Surrender]].
 
* See [[Surrender]].
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== From the GYE Handbook ==
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It is not for nothing that our network is called "Guard Your Eyes". Aside from having the proper attitude in this struggle - as discussed above, the most obvious ''practical'' step to conquering lust addiction is learning to guard our eyes. This is the cornerstone of breaking free, and it's obvious why: '''We can't lust for that which we don't see.''' When we guard our eyes, it's like we are avoiding the wrestling rink where the mighty Yetzer Hara is waiting to beat us up. If we simply don't enter the rink, he can't touch us!
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Conversely, it is impossible to even ''begin'' to heal from lust addiction if we continue to be bombarded with triggers at every turn. As lust addicts, our minds have become accustomed to lusting. We can not gaze at stimulating imagery and expect not to be triggered. We cannot have it all within hands reach and expect to be strong enough to stay away. We have grown addicted to the chemical rush in our mind that the lust brings on, much in the same way that an alcoholic craves his bottle. Therefore, if we are to break the addictive cycle, we must first keep lust at a distance to be able to begin our journey to recovery.
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And one of the first things that this entails is installing a strong Internet filter.
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===Internet Filters===
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The GYE website has an entire division dedicated to helping people with filters. See www.Venishmartem.com. Filters range from "server" to "client" based, free or commercial, Jewish or non-Jewish. There is something there to meet anyone's needs. On our website, we can also learn about how the different types of filters work and what the terms mean, such as "server based", "client based", "white- list", "blacklist" etc...
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If we ''must'' have completely open Internet access for our work, we can still download accountability software, where e-mail reports are sent to a partner who will see all the questionable pages that we may have browsed. Please see www.webchaver.org. Even if we have a filter installed, it is important to have accountability software. When lust attacks, an addict can usually find a way around his filter, but if he knows that his partner will see all the sites he is trying to access, it will be a far stronger deterrent.<!--Still relevant? "If you are having a hard time finding a partner or you’re too embarrassed, use the Knas Based Accountability program which has a minimum $100 Knas for every bad report."-->
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If our Internet filter does not block all questionable sites, we must carefully consider our motivation for every site we visit. We must begin to recognize the sly voice of our addiction. If it's a news site, we need to consider why we want to read certain articles. If it's because the site or article discusses inappropriate topics (fashion, celebrities, or "news items" relating to immoral behavior), or even if it ''might'' discuss them and the ''Yetzer Hara'' (read: '''addiction''') wants us to find out ''for sure'', then we must learn to hold back and not click on the links. In general, it is important to limit the number of sites we visit to a small list and question any time we feel the need to visit a site that is not on the list.
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In healing from this addiction, we need to learn to be very honest with ourselves. If we find that we can't control our surfing habits, we need to admit it and make stronger fences, such as limiting our time online, making concise lists of sites we allow ourselves to visit, getting better filters/accountability software or setting the current filter's settings to a higher protection level.
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We highly suggest getting solid Internet filters that block any questionable sites. <!--Is this up to date?-->The best type of filters are Jewish server-based filters like Jnet, Koshernet, Yeshivanet and Internet Rimon (in Israel). And of course, the best level of protection is "White-list", which means that all sites are blocked except for specific sites that we can ask the company to open for us (or sites that the company has already checked and white-listed). If the "white-list" option is impossible for us to have due to ''Parnassa'' requirements, the filter should at least be set to the highest protection setting that we can afford to use, even if that means less entertainment.
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It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting. (See [http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/Attitude_Principles_for_Lust_Struggles Part 2 of this handbook] for more on how to achieve this sincerity).
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The filter acts mainly as a ''"heker"'' (a reminder), similar in a sense to what our Sages tell us about ''Palti ben Layish'' (to whom Shaul Hamelech gave over David's wife). Palti was alone every evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it is our "heker". But it will not stop us completely unless we ''want'' it to. However, since it can take a long time until we learn to genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have a strong filter at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and '''begin''' the healing process.
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Another great way to make sure we guard our eyes online is to place the computer in a highly visible area of the house, such as the living room, and to also make sure never to use the Internet when alone in the house.
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In any event, it is best for us - if possible - to avoid all non-Jewish or secular news and entertainment sites (and the like). See the "Kosher Isle" on our website for lists of Kosher news and entertainment sites that can provide us with more than our ‘daily dosage’ of news and distractions.
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===Guarding our eyes outside===
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As addicts to lust, we must be extra careful about where we go. It is best to refrain from frequenting malls and other such public places where we know that we will have difficulty guarding our eyes. If we must be in such places, we can try to spend as little time there as possible, and perhaps even remove our glasses if we have bad eye-sight. Otherwise, we can try wearing sunglasses covered inside with non-see through lamination, or color the inside of a special pair of glasses with a black magic marker, leaving only a small hole to peer through (the Steipler Gaon gave someone this idea). For those who need to take public transportation to work, bringing a sefer along or an MP3 player with shiurim to listen to while keeping one’s eyes closed has been known to help. Even weddings, Simchos and family gatherings can be problematic for us, and we can try to prepare ourselves mentally beforehand. We can resolve to remain in the non-mixed areas as much as possible, or try to find a seat facing in a direction opposite from any possible triggers.
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If we will have to be in an area where we know there will be a struggle, we can try to offer a short prayer before leaving the house: "Please Hashem, help me not to take any second looks". And if we find that we do stumble and take a second look, we can quickly offer another short prayer and say, "Hashem, I surrender my lust to you! Please take it away from me".
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===Guarding our eyes off-line ===
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If we are serious about breaking free of lust addiction, we need to try to refrain from watching TV, movies and reading secular magazines and newspapers as much as possible, since '''all of them''' are full of promiscuity. Even the most innocent-sounding children's movies today are filled with imagery which can be very triggering for a lust addict and we must therefore try to avoid them as much as we can.
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Let's talk about movies, for example. Movies are one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a proper healing from lust addiction, because often we find them very hard to give up. They serve as a source of entertainment for millions of people around the world, and they are often a welcome distraction from the difficult realities of life. But movies are filled to the brim with triggers to lust. And even if one is successful to find a movie with absolutely no provocatively dressed women or kissing scenes in them (almost impossible today), will there still not even be any attractive female actors in the movie at all? If we are trying to guard our eyes in the street - and we ''must'' be; how can we allow ourselves to stare at attractive women in a movie for about 2 hours straight? As lust addicts, most of us simply cannot look at attractive women - even modestly dressed - and not think or feel any undercurrent of lust. The nature of the addiction has taken this ability away from us. And we must admit this truth to ourselves; as long as we are lusting - we are still feeding the addiction.
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Therefore in the GYE community, we know that if we are truly serious about breaking free from the poison of lust, we must let this be our sacrifice for Hashem's glory and give up non-Jewish movies for good. And surely this will be considered a most precious sacrifice in Hashem's eyes, a sacrifice brought on the altar of our hearts!
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===The cornerstone===
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It is important to realize that guarding the eyes is not just "Tool 3", but rather it's the cornerstone of '''all''' the tools. Without guarding our eyes, we continue to lust and feed the addiction, and no matter what other steps we may take, we are still acting like an alcoholic who takes small sips of whiskey to get his high. We have to learn to '''let go of lust''' and not allow ourselves to have that "first drink". There is no "drinking like a gentleman" for an alcoholic, and neither is there for us. Once we taste it a little, we are easily drawn back in and will often lose control.
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Although we present this tool in the very beginning, guarding our eyes applies throughout ''all'' the tools. Even those who are more seriously addicted and are working already with the advanced tools of this Handbook will still need to guard their eyes. True "lust addicts" do not have control in this area. No matter how many years they manage to stay clean and no matter what steps they may have taken, if they are faced head-on with lust, they will feel powerless. We have an “allergy” to lust, and as the saying goes: ''"Once an addict, always an addict".'' As scary as this may seem, it really is not so bad. People who have a deficiency of iron in their body, even if it's a chronic condition, can still lead perfectly normal lives as long as they take their daily iron pill.
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With the 12 Steps (Tool 15-16 below) we learn how to admit powerlessness and surrender our lust to Hashem. By following the steps of this Handbook, we can learn to keep the addiction completely in check, and lead happy and fulfilling lives. But we must never let our guard down. The number one symptom of this disease is that when we are faced head-on with lust, '''we cannot help lusting'''. And that is why the very first practical tool in recovering from lust addiction is to guard our eyes and avoid lust as much as possible.
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=== It's a Process===
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As we discussed, guarding our eyes is the starting point, middle point, '''''and''''' the final frontier of this struggle. Even when we have already learned to control the more seriously damaging addictive behaviors, we may still find that it takes us yet another few years to learn how to fully surrender our lusting to Hashem and gain complete control over our eyes. So '''don't get discouraged''' if you break free of the inappropriate behaviors but still find it difficult to guard your eyes on the street. It is a process. But if we stay determined to get our lives and priorities back on track, we '''''will''''' see progress in this area, slowly but surely. And we '''''must''''' progress. Staying in the same place keeps us vulnerable to relapse, and if we don't try to move forward a little every day in learning how to guard our eyes, we will remain susceptible to being drawn back into the harmful addictive behaviors as well.
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===The MeKaDeSH Method===
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There are four important ingredients to being successful with Shmiras Ainayim ''for the long term''. The word '''M'''e'''K'''a'''D'''e'''SH''' is an acronym for the following:
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(1) '''M'''achlit / '''M'''ake a decision. (2) '''K'''nas (3) '''D'''aven (4) '''SH'''mirah. If any one of these ingredients are missing, we will likely continue to experience ups and downs in our struggle. Let us briefly discuss these four components:
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'''1. Machlit / Make a Decision''': Shmiras Ainayim will be a constant battle as long as we don't fully accept how harmful it is for us. We all know deep down that even if we would get all our desires, the pleasure would last only a short moment and leave us feeling empty afterwards. We know from past personal experience and from so many other people's experiences that lusting brings only emptiness and pain. The more we feed it, the more it wants. It is never satisfied, and fulfilling our desires just leaves us with a void that demands to be filled again. Lusting takes us away from all the good that Hashem has in store for us. It severs our relationship with our Creator, with our wives and children, and even our relationship with ourselves. Although we are pulled to lust when feeling stressed or down, there is a very true saying (from SA): ''"No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won't make it even worse"''. When we realize all this and come to the conclusion that lust is really poison for us, we are finally able to make a strong decision in our minds that we ''really don’t want it''. This is a vital ingredient to being able to hold on to our success in Shmiras Ainayim for the long term.
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'''2. Knas''': The struggle with Shmiras Ainayim is so difficult and slippery (especially for those who have become addicted to lust related behaviors) that making strong decisions are generally not enough ''on their own'' for long-term success. Over time, our inspiration fades and we start lusting again because we feel we '''can get away with it'''. To really get past this stumbling block, we have to get TOUGH with ourselves, as the Pasuk says: ''“For with a strong hand, He took us out of Mitzrayim”''. It takes a strong hand to break free of this Mitzrayim, and this can be accomplished by making for ourselves ''knasos''.
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We can try to accept upon ourselves - or make a vow (not forever, just for "x" amount of days or weeks, at first) that every time we take a ''second'' look at something triggering, we will (either):
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*give ourselves a pinch that hurts,
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*wear a rubber-band and snap it against our skin,
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*give $1 to tzedaka,
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*give our eyes a "time out" by closing them for 6 seconds.
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Study also the TaPHSiC method below (Tool #10) to learn ways of making stronger ''knasos'' for ourselves when it comes to preventing even more addictive behaviors.
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'''3. Daven:''' With all our efforts, only Hashem can really help us at the end of the day. As Chazal say: ''"The Yetzer hara tries to kill a person each day, and if Hashem wouldn't help him, he could not overcome him.'' We have to recognize this truth and constantly whisper ''teffilos'' to Hashem for help. The Steipler writes regarding these tests, that some people need to daven 50 times a day to be protected.
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'''4. SHmirah:''' Even with a strong decision, knasos, and with davening, we can’t expect to succeed in Shmiras Ainayim if we are surrounded by triggers. Our efforts can only bear fruit ''for the long term'' if we put up strong shmiros for ourselves. As discussed above, this entails avoiding triggering areas, installing internet filters and accountability software, and staying away from triggering media like TV, Movies, Magazines, Newspapers.
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===More Guard Your Eyes Tips===
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There is a saying: “''The first look is on G-d, the second one is on '''us'''".'' In other words, we can't help if we saw something triggering in the street unintentionally. But if we take a ''second'' look, we are feeding our addiction. Here are some GYE training tips that might help us get started in learning to guard our eyes on the street.
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====Small Goals====
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Make very small goals at first. For example, we can accept upon ourselves that for the walk from home to shul and back, no matter what, we will absolutely not look anywhere besides at the ground. It may be difficult at first, but after a few times of doing this we will hopefully be able to increase our goals.
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===Developing the proper attitude towards Shmiras Einayim:===
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'''a)''' We need to tell ourselves that no matter how painful it feels '''''not''''' to look, it will always be even ''more'' painful to look. Because when we look, there are two acute pains we feel:
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*We feel suddenly far from Hashem and from our goals.
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*We know we can't have it anyway, and when we look - we desire it and it HURTS.
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So essentially, the pain we feel when '''''not''''' looking is much better than the pain of looking! And as they say in the 12-Step literature, ''“No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won’t make it worse”.''
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'''b)''' The pain we feel when not looking is HEALING pain, like the pain from surgery. The pain is healing us. On the other hand, the spiritual pain of looking is the pain of the disease getting worse. Which pain do we choose?
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'''c)''' The pain we feel when not looking is not really '''''our''''' pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throes". He is screaming that we are hitting him hard. So we can actually enjoy the pain! We are feeling the pain of our enemy as he gets weaker!
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'''d)''' The whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our minds. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". We are left shaking our head and not believing that for this we sell our very souls.
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'''e)''' Let us also reflect for a moment. If we were blind, chas veshalom, we wouldn't struggle with lust. If we didn't have this amazing gift of sight that Hashem gave us, would we ''be able'' to lust through our eyes? Scientists tell us that the human mind makes billions of calculations per second when processing information from the countless nerve endings that connect our eyes to our brains. How can we take this '''amazing gift''' and use it against Hashem's will?
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===Letting Go of Lust===
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The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have '''endless''' opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we '''''do''''' want to look at so badly. Instead, '''the real trick''' to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need to simply '''let go of it'''.
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As someone who is working the 12 Steps once wrote:
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''"Today, the fight is much easier for me. When I have urges, I admit powerlessness, acknowledge that Hashem is the only One that can - and will''
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''- help me, and I ask Hashem to remove the lust from me. I am frankly surprised by how much better this works than fighting the urges head on".''
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Another important step in letting go of lust, is learning how to deal with obsessive lustful thoughts and fantasies. See principle #11 of Part 2 below, for some great tips and techniques on how to let go of lust and fantasies in our minds.
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===Get daily chizuk on "Guarding Our Eyes"===
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To receive daily ''chizuk'' on ''Shmiras Einayim'', sign up to the ''Shmiras Einayim Chizuk'' e-mail list on our website.<!--Add a link!-->
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The eyes are the windows to our souls and must be guarded diligently if we are to make real spiritual progress. We can download a free e-Book called "''Windows of the Soul''" by the Salant foundation from our website. This book, which can be purchased in hard copy as well, provides a 30-day Chizuk program to help us learn how to guard our eyes properly.The GYE network also has a daily phone conference on Shmiras Einayim (for non-addicts as well) where we can join together with a group of other Yidden by phone to get Chizuk and learn techniques on how to guard our eyes in today’s difficult environment.
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==Daily ''Chizuk''==
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== Techniques ==
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'''The Three Second Rule'''
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* Sex addicts (just like the rest of us) are not in control of the thoughts and ideas that pop into their minds at any given moment. What they can control, however, is how they act when they unexpectedly encounter problematic thoughts, triggers, or ideas. For instance, after recognizing that there is an unexpectedly attractive or seductively dressed person on the street, for example, they can train themselves to do the following, rather than allowing themselves to “get into” addiction thinking (try it, it works well). 1st Second—Take one second to acknowledge that this is an attractive person or situation that you find arousing and a turn on (sexual attraction is a natural part of being human that must be acknowledged, not shamed or avoided). 2nd Second—Look away. Look down or away, take this second to appreciate the sky, your surroundings, anything other than the object of your desire. Let yourself be aware that you are struggling; that you would rather keep staring at that person or get something (sexual) going with them or someone else. Allow the feeling, but instead of acting on it, take an opposite action by choosing to look away. 3rd Second—While still looking away, imagine in your mind that person as someone’s daughter, granddaughter, nephew, son, etc. See them (in your mind, not by looking at them a second time) as a genuine, spiritual, real person, worthy of love, who doesn’t deserve to be used sexually or romantically and then thrown away. Then keep moving on. By allowing the feeling, choosing to turn away and then de-objectifying the person, you get to stay in the world and feel okay about yourself, as a healthy person with healthy sexual desires, who does not act on them every time you feel them, and as someone who appreciates that people are people, not objects. The more addicts practice this simple exercise the easier it becomes to “be” in the world with less temptation and more hope. ''Weiss, Robert. Sex Addiction 101 (pp. 210-211). Health Communications, Inc.. Kindle Edition.''
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* If we see something inappropriate (on the first look), we can implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that we're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close our eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, G-d willing, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage. This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid the first slip"). Many times we feel, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes us feel guilty when we’ve done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to further slips and falls. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are we expected to look away. ''The GYE Handbook''
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* Weiss, D. (2000). 101 Freedom Exercise (3rd Ed.).  Tip 13 - The '''One Second Rule'''.
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'''The Beard Test'''
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This is an exercise that you can do in a few seconds any time it’s necessary. [When you catch yourself objectifying a woman.] Run your open palm across your cheek, moving from your neck up toward your eyes (opposite the way your facial hair grows). If it makes a noise, you’re a man. I call this the Beard Test. It’s something I do when I occasionally catch myself objectifying women or I notice myself feeling young or immature. It’s a simple test you can do anywhere and at any time to remind you that you are an adult. Try the Beard Test or find your own version. It works if you work it. You don’t have to live in reaction to your history. There are no pimples on your face anymore. You have a beard now, and when rubbed, it makes a noise.... I also do the Beard Test when I spend more than three seconds looking at a woman. I call this “The Three-Second Rule.” Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing the Beard Test. It has become a positive, unconscious behavior that I do to correct my old addictive story line. It would be helpful for you to use the Beard Test or to create your own reminder ritual.  ''Collins, George; Adleman, Andrew. Breaking the Cycle (p. 64). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.'' <blockquote>The Beard Test, and the Three Second Rule In Chapter 5 of Breaking the Cycle, I explained something called the Beard Test and the Three Second Rule. These are simply little reminder rituals that I use when I begin to feel the pull of my compulsive behavior trying to take over. For the Beard Test, I simply run my hand along my cheek to feel for whiskers or stubble. When I feel them, and hear the sound it makes, I immediately remind myself that I am a MAN...NOT a little boy. I can be in control of my own actions and do not have to live in service to this regressive thinking. The Three Second Rule is another tool I use. If I catch myself looking at (or objectifying) a woman for more than three seconds, I remind myself to look away. This is a way to catch myself and to create a filter. These techniques work like a porn blocker on the computer. ''Collins, George. Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame - The Workbook . Neulia, by Compulsion Solutions. Kindle Edition.'' </blockquote>'''First Thought Wrong'''
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* Reference: Ch. 12 - First Thought Wrong: Learn Not to Trust the Thoughts of Your Addict. ''Collins, George; Adleman, Andrew. Breaking the Cycle (p. 151). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.''
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 +
'''The Red Light Guy'''
 +
 +
* Reference: Ch. 11 - Your Red Light Guy: Change Sexual Energy into Positive Behavior Collins, George; Adleman, Andrew. Breaking the Cycle (p. 140). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition. 
 +
'''Rubber Band'''
 +
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* Rubber Band - See 101 Tips by Weiss Tip 11 - Retraining the Brain (for fantasies)
  
 
== Notes ==
 
== Notes ==

Latest revision as of 12:00, 6 January 2021

Add a new section for the והאר עיננו approach, and include an outline of Ch. 5.

Torah sources

  • ספר החינוך פרשת שלח מצוה שפז - שלא לתור אחר מחשבת הלב וראיית העינים: ודע בני ותהא מרגלא בפומך מה שאמרו זכרונם לברכה [אבות פ"ד מ"ה], עברה גוררת עברה ומצוה גוררת מצוה, שאם תשית דעתך למלאות תאותך הרעה פעם אחת תמשך אחריה כמה פעמים, ואם תזכה להיות גבור בארץ לכבוש יצרך ולעצום עיניך מראות ברע פעם אחת יקל בעיניך לעשות כן כמה פעמים. כי התאוה תמשוך הבשר כמשוך היין אל שותיו, כי הסובאים לא תשבע נפשם לעולם ביין אבל יתאוו אליו תאוה גדולה, ולפי הרגילם נפשם בו תחזק עליהם תאותם, ולו ישתו שם כוס מים יפוג יקוד אש תאות היין ויערב להם. כן הדבר הזה, כל איש בהרגילו בתאוות ובהתמידו בהן יחזק עליו יצרו הרע יום יום, ובהמנעו מהם ישמח בחלקו תמיד כל היום, ויראה כי האלקים עשה את האדם ישר והמה בקשו חשבונות רבים ללא תועלת של כלום.
  • Halachos - והאר עיננו עמ' י ואילך (see there also about ראיה לפי תומו)
  • Stories - והאר עיננו עמ' יד ואילך
  • Advantages - והאר עיננו פרק א
  • Second looks ישראל קדושים הארפענעס עמ' קב בשם הקובריענע זצ"ל מובא בתורת אבות. In general, he has many tips there in Ch. 4.

Rav Friedlander's Positive Approach

Note: See Positive Vision p. 5 for a beautiful metaphor for this, it says that the idea is adapted from “Parents and Penguins,” by R’ Moshe Eisemann. For more on this see Heavenly Reward.

In Derech Shel Aliyah (Moadim 1 p. 25) the editor writes:

ברור איפוא שעובד ה' אחת מתוך עבודותיו הראשוניים היא שמירת הראיה. הקושי הוא שלכאורה שמירת הראיה היא פעולה השוללת זו פעולה נגד לא לראות לא להסתכל לא להביט וידוע דברו של מו"ר הגרא"א דסלר (מכתב מאליהו ח"א עמ' 235) שככל שלוחצים יותר על הקפיץ כן גובר הלחץ הנגדי. וכאשר מחליטים לא להסתכל מתגבר עי"ז כח ההתנגדות הפנימי וההמשך ידוע. כאן חידש רבנו לקיים את המצוה מתוך החיוביות. לשמוח בזכות של שמירת העין וממילא סרה ההתנגדות הפנימית. ונקודה נוספת: כאשר האדם מתרכז בנושא הוא אינו שם לב לדברים אחרים. כשאדם מרכז מחשבתו בתורה (או הוא שם לב אך ורק לדרך) ממילא עיניו משתמרות ויכול אדם לילך בעינים פקוחות ולשמור עיניו ואחרים לא ירגישו כלל כזה. והרי קבלות רבנו בזה:

ד"ה תמוז תש"ח: צריך להזהר מאד להמנע מלתור אחרי העיניים ח"ו. וצריך להתאמן מאד לשלוט על העיניים. ובטרם אבוא למצב של נסיון צריך לבקש רחמים שיסייעו לי משמים לעמוד בנסיון.

(עריו"כ תשכ"א) בעת ההליכה לא להסתכל אנה ואנה.

(כנראה תש"ל) להשתדל להתבודד במחשבה ועל ידי מניעת הראיה בתוך חברת אנשים ובעיקר ברחוב ע"י מחשבות חיוביות של תורה (חזרת בע"פ על חומר שאני צריך להכין) מוסר על רקע מחשבה כללית של התקשרות אל ה'. ויהי נגד עיני חשבון שכר הקשר עם ה' ותורתו כנגד הפסד איזה גלוי חשוב או ידיעה חשובה שאולי תבוא ע"י נתינת דעתי על הסביבה.

(עריו"כ תשל"ד) הסתכלות לשוח עיניים ולעוין בשמחה לקיים מצות "ולא תתורו" שהזמין השי"ת לידי. ואם נכשלתי לשלם קנס. ללמוד ע"ז מוסר פ"א בשבוע. מוציו"כ תשל"ה: שמירת עיניים ולב לפני היציאה לרחוב להתפלל תפלה קצרה שמובאת בכתר ראש [אות עג וז"ל רבש"ע הנני הולך בגיא צלמות ומקום מסוכן הושיעני מיצה"ר ומחטאים ומעוונות ובפרט מעבירה (פלונית)]. ולחשוב לקיים בשמחה ולא תתורו.

(י אלול תשל"ח) שמירת העיניים: לא להסתכל חוך למכונית לא להסתכל על שכיני באוטובוס, להשפיל עיניים ברחוב. הכל בהרגשת עשיית רצון קוני והגברת השכל (שע"ת א, לא. וז"ל: אם יתקן התאוות תחת אשר כל האברים ישרתום ימשכם אחר השכל... כאשר ישבר תאותו גם בדברים המותרים, בזה תצליח הנפש והמדה הזאת תערב לה, כי ירים השכל ידו וגבר).

וסיים העורך: בלב אליהו שביבי לב מובא בשם הגה"צ ר' אליהו לאפיאן זצוק"ל בחורים צעירים יכולים להגיע במשך זמן לדרגות נשגבות אם ירגילו עצמן בשלש שמירות: א. שמירת עיניים. ב. שמירת הדבור. ג. שמירת המחשבה. אמת כל ההתחלות קשות, אבל דעו כי ההרגל על כל דבר שלטון.

Benefits

  • For a list of benefits see Heavenly Reward
  • Peace of Mind - see והאר עיננו עמ' מד בשם הגרמ"י ליפקוביץ שליט"א.
    • וכן הביא שם בשם הרב מתתיהו סלומון שהעדר השמירה אינו נותן לאורה ושמחה של מצוה להכנס שם.

Seriousness

  • See והאר עיננו Ch. 4 (or the English version here). ובהקדמה שם: בפרק זה נביא קצת מהפגמים והעונשים שמביא האדם על עצמו ע"י הסתכלויות אסורות, כיון שלפעמים יש גם צורך ותועלת מזה, וכמ"ש" הסטייפלר זצ"ל (קריינא דאגרתא ח"א עמ' כג) דאע"פ שיודע האדם כל ענייני יראת שמים וכו' מ"מ בזמן התגברות יצור כמעט והכל נשכח ממנו, אבל יראת העונש בכוחה לעצור גם בזמן התגברות התאוה, דמ"מ גם איש פשוט מפחד מצרות נוראות ומכאובים רבים, ע"ש. ושם: אמנם העיר אדם גדול אחד, שעצה זו יפה כוחה וטוב להשתמש בה בשעת הנסיון ממש, אבל אם מלבד עיתים אלו ירבה אדם להרה בעונשים שמים וכו' אז רוב הסיכויים שיכנס לעצבות ולצער, ויותר ממה שיקבל תועלת ימצא ניזוק והבן. See also Recall Negative Consequences
  • והתקדשתם
  • תורת מנחם - אגרות, ז'תקיח, ז'שמב ועוד שם.
  • Positive Vision Day 25 (Znus Ha'ayin)

From GYE Members

Importance

  • Guarding your eyes is the foundation of every tool. Without it, the building is going to fall. Not doing so is feeding the lust(and the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets). #battle-of-the-gen[1]
  • My personal experience, that although I have a good filter etc if not for being very careful with shmiras einayim whilst walking in the street, no way will I be able to stay clean, past few days it's getting Abit weaker by me but iyh very on top of it again! #Shnitzel and kugel

Looking Away

Note: See Positive Vision Day 62 - "The fact is that in certain circumstances there is no other strategy than to look down". See also Day 90 about al yeivosh mpnei hamaligim.

  • One of the big problems I always had was Shmirat Einaim in public. One of the best things I saw on GYE (and heard from Duvid Chaim) is that the first look is on God and the second look is on me. If I notice a pretty woman, I accept that I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m still clean. I have to concentrate on not staring and not looking a second time. This is much more difficult on a bus or train when the woman is standing next to me or sitting across from me. In these situations, if I’m having a hard time, I say a quiet Tfilla to Hashem (from the GYE Handbook), “Hashem, I cannot control my lust. I ask you to take it from me.” It works! My next trick when in a public place is to take off my glasses. It works wonders in a restaurant or when going for an exercise walk. @Anonymous
    • One of my biggest challenges with Shmirat Einaim was the thought that it was impossible to keep this up forever. In the past, I have tried to control this, especially around Yom Kippur. However, inside, I would always think that it's impossible to do this forever. This would eventually lead to a few failures and finally giving up. I want to relate this to driving. First, driving has always been a trigger point for me. When I would be driving around in town, I would always be looking around to see if there were pretty women walking on the sidewalk, crossing in front of me, etc. My point is that when driving, you always have to watch where you're going. You have to watch for other cars, traffic signs, and pedestrians. I would never say that I can't forever watch where I'm driving and I'll just have to give up and drive without looking. It's the same with Shmirat Einaim. In the same way, I realize that I will always have to watch where I'm going when I drive, so I realize that I will always have to be careful about my eyes every time I leave the house. @Anonymous
  • When I am in the street and I see something, I know that I need to find something else to look at immediately, no questions asked. Then when the urge comes to have a second look I try to take a few deep breaths and think about what will happen if I don't look again. It's sometimes hard to look away but I won't have to look at the sidewalk forever, as with most things, gam zeh ya'avor. This is not very difficult when I am strong, but when I am in a lustful state or feeling down emotionally it's very difficult to put up the fight. When I am seeking, and then I see something, it's like "mazal tov I can now feed this monster..." obviously makes it that much harder to look away. For this the only thing that works for me is to decide before I go out that even though I am not feeling my best, this is yehoreg v'al ya'avor, this takes priority. It doesn't always work but nothing else has worked better. #wilnevergiveup[2]
  • There is a saying here. The first look is on G-d the second look is on you. #Hakolhevel[3]
  • As for walking in the street, I'v found if you ignore and dont linger on a sight, it cant control you. If you're in a pretty bad part of the neighborhood (e.x. Manhattan) then try to walk looking down, yeah yeah "I look so stupid", "that's not for me, thats for the big Gedolim". Say whatever you want but it works #Meyer M.[4]
  • The eyes and mind are the two most important filters there are. Yes, you will see attractive women and some of the time they will be dressed immodestly, but it's how you react that will make all the difference. As addicts, we tend to fixate on things we shouldn't, we tend to think that if we look away we might be missing out on something... but the truth is there is no real enjoyment to be had from this filth! The sooner I realized that and the more clearer that has become, the better and longer I've remained sober. #Haleivi76

Davening for the Person

  • Weiss, D. (2000). 101 Freedom Exercises (3rd Ed). Tip 14 - Pray for those we objectify.
  • My favorite tool for getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes. If that' does not work, I make sure to try and do the diametric opposite of whatever my lust is: Meaning, instead of worshipping or sexually devouring the person or image or whatever, I pause and pray (with actual spoken words, in private) for the person or institution involved me'umka deliba as best I am able right then. Not for them to 'finally see the light and stop being so provocative or promiscuous` - that judgementalism poisons me no matter how much my morality agrees with it. It is more than useless. Rather, I daven that Hashem should give them health and comfort in this life and whatever is afterward, and that He grant them a progressive awareness of Him and of all the good in their lives, and that He give them clarity in how all the good in their lives comes from Him, and that he even grants them acceptance that all the hard times they may have in their long futures is a gift from Him somehow, and that they also have peace of mind to really do right by themselves and by G-d. Then I may ask for all the same for me: Health, Comfort, Progressive awareness of Him in my life, and Peace of mind.[5]
  • I also tried the davening approach; so I prayed for her, but I was praying that she and I would be holding hands by the Kosel (thru the mechitzah of course), both of us fervently praying that this relationship should last.[6]
  • Before I started the 90 day challenge whenever I saw a woman, only one thing popped into my mind which was driving me crazy, now after joining the 90 day challenge I don't have that problem as much. If I happen to see a woman in my mind I think to myself that  I just need to look away and that's it. Although sometimes these thoughts do come into my mind, it's much less. #Shnitzel and kugel

Daily Chizuk

  • DAILY CHIZUK. I think this is HUGE. So much of the battle of GYE/porn/mast is done consciously, but so much of it is subconsciously. It's just the natural stirring of the mind that makes you really wanna jerk off, and eventually you just really need to do it. Daily chizuk, imo helps on both fonts. It obviously helps on the conscious level- on days that were struggling and feeling weak, it gives us that boost to get at it. But I'd like to venture to say that even on clean days or seemingly easy days, that you feel like you don't need the chizuk, that daily dose has its affect sub consciously and helps keep those stirrings at bay. It makes it harder for that beast in you to rear its head. I may be wrong, but this is what I think. #battle-of-the-gen[7]
  • The YH is constantly upgrading and refreshing his attacks, so we gotta do the same. Daily chizuk keeps us fresh and our head in the right direction. SO crucial because after a while of being clean, sometimes we forget how bad our falls can be. Gotta keep that daily juice. (Also my pointer from yesterday) GYE has many tools for chizuk from the forums(such amazing people) to Q and As etc Just one point which seems important, better to read a small amount and focus to internalize that rather than a bunch of things. Thinking deeply on one small thing can have a longer and stronger effect. #battle-of-the-gen[8]

Other tips

  • See Situation-focused reappraisal (includes nice study about 2 methods)
    • See also Weiss, D. (2000). 101 Freedom Exercises (3rd Ed). Tip 15 - Looking them in the eyes. (Ask @Dov about this)
  • Commit not to look around curiously, and that you're only goal is to get to your destination. (והאר עיננו עמ' ו)
    • Same idea in Positive Vision Day 61.
  • Avoiding problematic streets (והאר עיננו עמ' ז ע"פ בב נז, ב)
    • והאריך בזה הגר"ח שמולביץ זצ"ל בשיחות מוסר תשל"א שיחה ו ע"ש ומסיים שם "שכלל זה הריהו טכסיס ראש וראשון במלחמת היצר."
    • Related story about Rav Aharon Kotler (והאר עיננו עמ' ח-ט)
  • Cognitive Distraction (Positive Vision Day 55 Based on Chovas Hatalmidim)
  • Reciting or thinking words of Torah by heart (תורת מנחם - אגרות)
  • Davening for help - Positive Vision Day 63-64 (and Day 89 re Bitachon).
  • If you wear glasses and are courageous enough to remove them, do so. Before you go outside, daven to Hashem that He protect you. If you do see something triggering, remind yourself that you did not see a toy, but rather a real live person who has bills to pay, may not feel well, and no one has any right to "use" her for their fantasies. #HashemHelpme
  • I am aware of a couple of different behaviors you can use there. If you became aware that a woman is there but have not seen anything that arouses you yet (hair, skin, shoes ...) then you can think "I cannot really know for sure that she's a beautiful woman." If you think that you will no longer want to check her out, so to speak. The emphasis in that thought is on the "for sure". The point is that you don't really, truly know the future (will she turn out to be beautiful?) On the other hand if you already saw some part of her that arouses you, then the typical behavior on GYE is to use surrender. #mzl
  • Increasing Yiras Shamayim - See Positive Vision Day 56 (quotes interesting research)
  • Penalties & Reward - Positive Vision Day 57.
  • Delay ("Just say, not now.") Setting small goals, discussion of the Machson Lfi Organization - Positive Vision Day 65.
  • Everyday Challenges, Practical Solutions - Positive Vision Section II

Surrender

From the GYE Handbook

It is not for nothing that our network is called "Guard Your Eyes". Aside from having the proper attitude in this struggle - as discussed above, the most obvious practical step to conquering lust addiction is learning to guard our eyes. This is the cornerstone of breaking free, and it's obvious why: We can't lust for that which we don't see. When we guard our eyes, it's like we are avoiding the wrestling rink where the mighty Yetzer Hara is waiting to beat us up. If we simply don't enter the rink, he can't touch us!

Conversely, it is impossible to even begin to heal from lust addiction if we continue to be bombarded with triggers at every turn. As lust addicts, our minds have become accustomed to lusting. We can not gaze at stimulating imagery and expect not to be triggered. We cannot have it all within hands reach and expect to be strong enough to stay away. We have grown addicted to the chemical rush in our mind that the lust brings on, much in the same way that an alcoholic craves his bottle. Therefore, if we are to break the addictive cycle, we must first keep lust at a distance to be able to begin our journey to recovery.

And one of the first things that this entails is installing a strong Internet filter.

Internet Filters

The GYE website has an entire division dedicated to helping people with filters. See www.Venishmartem.com. Filters range from "server" to "client" based, free or commercial, Jewish or non-Jewish. There is something there to meet anyone's needs. On our website, we can also learn about how the different types of filters work and what the terms mean, such as "server based", "client based", "white- list", "blacklist" etc...

If we must have completely open Internet access for our work, we can still download accountability software, where e-mail reports are sent to a partner who will see all the questionable pages that we may have browsed. Please see www.webchaver.org. Even if we have a filter installed, it is important to have accountability software. When lust attacks, an addict can usually find a way around his filter, but if he knows that his partner will see all the sites he is trying to access, it will be a far stronger deterrent.

If our Internet filter does not block all questionable sites, we must carefully consider our motivation for every site we visit. We must begin to recognize the sly voice of our addiction. If it's a news site, we need to consider why we want to read certain articles. If it's because the site or article discusses inappropriate topics (fashion, celebrities, or "news items" relating to immoral behavior), or even if it might discuss them and the Yetzer Hara (read: addiction) wants us to find out for sure, then we must learn to hold back and not click on the links. In general, it is important to limit the number of sites we visit to a small list and question any time we feel the need to visit a site that is not on the list.

In healing from this addiction, we need to learn to be very honest with ourselves. If we find that we can't control our surfing habits, we need to admit it and make stronger fences, such as limiting our time online, making concise lists of sites we allow ourselves to visit, getting better filters/accountability software or setting the current filter's settings to a higher protection level.

We highly suggest getting solid Internet filters that block any questionable sites. The best type of filters are Jewish server-based filters like Jnet, Koshernet, Yeshivanet and Internet Rimon (in Israel). And of course, the best level of protection is "White-list", which means that all sites are blocked except for specific sites that we can ask the company to open for us (or sites that the company has already checked and white-listed). If the "white-list" option is impossible for us to have due to Parnassa requirements, the filter should at least be set to the highest protection setting that we can afford to use, even if that means less entertainment.

It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting. (See Part 2 of this handbook for more on how to achieve this sincerity).

The filter acts mainly as a "heker" (a reminder), similar in a sense to what our Sages tell us about Palti ben Layish (to whom Shaul Hamelech gave over David's wife). Palti was alone every evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it is our "heker". But it will not stop us completely unless we want it to. However, since it can take a long time until we learn to genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have a strong filter at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and begin the healing process.

Another great way to make sure we guard our eyes online is to place the computer in a highly visible area of the house, such as the living room, and to also make sure never to use the Internet when alone in the house.

In any event, it is best for us - if possible - to avoid all non-Jewish or secular news and entertainment sites (and the like). See the "Kosher Isle" on our website for lists of Kosher news and entertainment sites that can provide us with more than our ‘daily dosage’ of news and distractions.

Guarding our eyes outside

As addicts to lust, we must be extra careful about where we go. It is best to refrain from frequenting malls and other such public places where we know that we will have difficulty guarding our eyes. If we must be in such places, we can try to spend as little time there as possible, and perhaps even remove our glasses if we have bad eye-sight. Otherwise, we can try wearing sunglasses covered inside with non-see through lamination, or color the inside of a special pair of glasses with a black magic marker, leaving only a small hole to peer through (the Steipler Gaon gave someone this idea). For those who need to take public transportation to work, bringing a sefer along or an MP3 player with shiurim to listen to while keeping one’s eyes closed has been known to help. Even weddings, Simchos and family gatherings can be problematic for us, and we can try to prepare ourselves mentally beforehand. We can resolve to remain in the non-mixed areas as much as possible, or try to find a seat facing in a direction opposite from any possible triggers.

If we will have to be in an area where we know there will be a struggle, we can try to offer a short prayer before leaving the house: "Please Hashem, help me not to take any second looks". And if we find that we do stumble and take a second look, we can quickly offer another short prayer and say, "Hashem, I surrender my lust to you! Please take it away from me".

Guarding our eyes off-line

If we are serious about breaking free of lust addiction, we need to try to refrain from watching TV, movies and reading secular magazines and newspapers as much as possible, since all of them are full of promiscuity. Even the most innocent-sounding children's movies today are filled with imagery which can be very triggering for a lust addict and we must therefore try to avoid them as much as we can.

Let's talk about movies, for example. Movies are one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a proper healing from lust addiction, because often we find them very hard to give up. They serve as a source of entertainment for millions of people around the world, and they are often a welcome distraction from the difficult realities of life. But movies are filled to the brim with triggers to lust. And even if one is successful to find a movie with absolutely no provocatively dressed women or kissing scenes in them (almost impossible today), will there still not even be any attractive female actors in the movie at all? If we are trying to guard our eyes in the street - and we must be; how can we allow ourselves to stare at attractive women in a movie for about 2 hours straight? As lust addicts, most of us simply cannot look at attractive women - even modestly dressed - and not think or feel any undercurrent of lust. The nature of the addiction has taken this ability away from us. And we must admit this truth to ourselves; as long as we are lusting - we are still feeding the addiction.

Therefore in the GYE community, we know that if we are truly serious about breaking free from the poison of lust, we must let this be our sacrifice for Hashem's glory and give up non-Jewish movies for good. And surely this will be considered a most precious sacrifice in Hashem's eyes, a sacrifice brought on the altar of our hearts!

The cornerstone

It is important to realize that guarding the eyes is not just "Tool 3", but rather it's the cornerstone of all the tools. Without guarding our eyes, we continue to lust and feed the addiction, and no matter what other steps we may take, we are still acting like an alcoholic who takes small sips of whiskey to get his high. We have to learn to let go of lust and not allow ourselves to have that "first drink". There is no "drinking like a gentleman" for an alcoholic, and neither is there for us. Once we taste it a little, we are easily drawn back in and will often lose control.

Although we present this tool in the very beginning, guarding our eyes applies throughout all the tools. Even those who are more seriously addicted and are working already with the advanced tools of this Handbook will still need to guard their eyes. True "lust addicts" do not have control in this area. No matter how many years they manage to stay clean and no matter what steps they may have taken, if they are faced head-on with lust, they will feel powerless. We have an “allergy” to lust, and as the saying goes: "Once an addict, always an addict". As scary as this may seem, it really is not so bad. People who have a deficiency of iron in their body, even if it's a chronic condition, can still lead perfectly normal lives as long as they take their daily iron pill.

With the 12 Steps (Tool 15-16 below) we learn how to admit powerlessness and surrender our lust to Hashem. By following the steps of this Handbook, we can learn to keep the addiction completely in check, and lead happy and fulfilling lives. But we must never let our guard down. The number one symptom of this disease is that when we are faced head-on with lust, we cannot help lusting. And that is why the very first practical tool in recovering from lust addiction is to guard our eyes and avoid lust as much as possible.

It's a Process

As we discussed, guarding our eyes is the starting point, middle point, and the final frontier of this struggle. Even when we have already learned to control the more seriously damaging addictive behaviors, we may still find that it takes us yet another few years to learn how to fully surrender our lusting to Hashem and gain complete control over our eyes. So don't get discouraged if you break free of the inappropriate behaviors but still find it difficult to guard your eyes on the street. It is a process. But if we stay determined to get our lives and priorities back on track, we will see progress in this area, slowly but surely. And we must progress. Staying in the same place keeps us vulnerable to relapse, and if we don't try to move forward a little every day in learning how to guard our eyes, we will remain susceptible to being drawn back into the harmful addictive behaviors as well.

The MeKaDeSH Method

There are four important ingredients to being successful with Shmiras Ainayim for the long term. The word MeKaDeSH is an acronym for the following:

(1) Machlit / Make a decision. (2) Knas (3) Daven (4) SHmirah. If any one of these ingredients are missing, we will likely continue to experience ups and downs in our struggle. Let us briefly discuss these four components:

1. Machlit / Make a Decision: Shmiras Ainayim will be a constant battle as long as we don't fully accept how harmful it is for us. We all know deep down that even if we would get all our desires, the pleasure would last only a short moment and leave us feeling empty afterwards. We know from past personal experience and from so many other people's experiences that lusting brings only emptiness and pain. The more we feed it, the more it wants. It is never satisfied, and fulfilling our desires just leaves us with a void that demands to be filled again. Lusting takes us away from all the good that Hashem has in store for us. It severs our relationship with our Creator, with our wives and children, and even our relationship with ourselves. Although we are pulled to lust when feeling stressed or down, there is a very true saying (from SA): "No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won't make it even worse". When we realize all this and come to the conclusion that lust is really poison for us, we are finally able to make a strong decision in our minds that we really don’t want it. This is a vital ingredient to being able to hold on to our success in Shmiras Ainayim for the long term.

2. Knas: The struggle with Shmiras Ainayim is so difficult and slippery (especially for those who have become addicted to lust related behaviors) that making strong decisions are generally not enough on their own for long-term success. Over time, our inspiration fades and we start lusting again because we feel we can get away with it. To really get past this stumbling block, we have to get TOUGH with ourselves, as the Pasuk says: “For with a strong hand, He took us out of Mitzrayim”. It takes a strong hand to break free of this Mitzrayim, and this can be accomplished by making for ourselves knasos.

We can try to accept upon ourselves - or make a vow (not forever, just for "x" amount of days or weeks, at first) that every time we take a second look at something triggering, we will (either):

  • give ourselves a pinch that hurts,
  • wear a rubber-band and snap it against our skin,
  • give $1 to tzedaka,
  • give our eyes a "time out" by closing them for 6 seconds.

Study also the TaPHSiC method below (Tool #10) to learn ways of making stronger knasos for ourselves when it comes to preventing even more addictive behaviors.

3. Daven: With all our efforts, only Hashem can really help us at the end of the day. As Chazal say: "The Yetzer hara tries to kill a person each day, and if Hashem wouldn't help him, he could not overcome him. We have to recognize this truth and constantly whisper teffilos to Hashem for help. The Steipler writes regarding these tests, that some people need to daven 50 times a day to be protected.

4. SHmirah: Even with a strong decision, knasos, and with davening, we can’t expect to succeed in Shmiras Ainayim if we are surrounded by triggers. Our efforts can only bear fruit for the long term if we put up strong shmiros for ourselves. As discussed above, this entails avoiding triggering areas, installing internet filters and accountability software, and staying away from triggering media like TV, Movies, Magazines, Newspapers.

More Guard Your Eyes Tips

There is a saying: “The first look is on G-d, the second one is on us". In other words, we can't help if we saw something triggering in the street unintentionally. But if we take a second look, we are feeding our addiction. Here are some GYE training tips that might help us get started in learning to guard our eyes on the street.

Small Goals

Make very small goals at first. For example, we can accept upon ourselves that for the walk from home to shul and back, no matter what, we will absolutely not look anywhere besides at the ground. It may be difficult at first, but after a few times of doing this we will hopefully be able to increase our goals.

Developing the proper attitude towards Shmiras Einayim:

a) We need to tell ourselves that no matter how painful it feels not to look, it will always be even more painful to look. Because when we look, there are two acute pains we feel:

  • We feel suddenly far from Hashem and from our goals.
  • We know we can't have it anyway, and when we look - we desire it and it HURTS.

So essentially, the pain we feel when not looking is much better than the pain of looking! And as they say in the 12-Step literature, “No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won’t make it worse”.

b) The pain we feel when not looking is HEALING pain, like the pain from surgery. The pain is healing us. On the other hand, the spiritual pain of looking is the pain of the disease getting worse. Which pain do we choose?

c) The pain we feel when not looking is not really our pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throes". He is screaming that we are hitting him hard. So we can actually enjoy the pain! We are feeling the pain of our enemy as he gets weaker!

d) The whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our minds. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". We are left shaking our head and not believing that for this we sell our very souls.

e) Let us also reflect for a moment. If we were blind, chas veshalom, we wouldn't struggle with lust. If we didn't have this amazing gift of sight that Hashem gave us, would we be able to lust through our eyes? Scientists tell us that the human mind makes billions of calculations per second when processing information from the countless nerve endings that connect our eyes to our brains. How can we take this amazing gift and use it against Hashem's will?

Letting Go of Lust

The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we do want to look at so badly. Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need to simply let go of it.

As someone who is working the 12 Steps once wrote:

"Today, the fight is much easier for me. When I have urges, I admit powerlessness, acknowledge that Hashem is the only One that can - and will

- help me, and I ask Hashem to remove the lust from me. I am frankly surprised by how much better this works than fighting the urges head on".

Another important step in letting go of lust, is learning how to deal with obsessive lustful thoughts and fantasies. See principle #11 of Part 2 below, for some great tips and techniques on how to let go of lust and fantasies in our minds.

Get daily chizuk on "Guarding Our Eyes"

To receive daily chizuk on Shmiras Einayim, sign up to the Shmiras Einayim Chizuk e-mail list on our website.

The eyes are the windows to our souls and must be guarded diligently if we are to make real spiritual progress. We can download a free e-Book called "Windows of the Soul" by the Salant foundation from our website. This book, which can be purchased in hard copy as well, provides a 30-day Chizuk program to help us learn how to guard our eyes properly.The GYE network also has a daily phone conference on Shmiras Einayim (for non-addicts as well) where we can join together with a group of other Yidden by phone to get Chizuk and learn techniques on how to guard our eyes in today’s difficult environment.

Daily Chizuk

Techniques

The Three Second Rule

  • Sex addicts (just like the rest of us) are not in control of the thoughts and ideas that pop into their minds at any given moment. What they can control, however, is how they act when they unexpectedly encounter problematic thoughts, triggers, or ideas. For instance, after recognizing that there is an unexpectedly attractive or seductively dressed person on the street, for example, they can train themselves to do the following, rather than allowing themselves to “get into” addiction thinking (try it, it works well). 1st Second—Take one second to acknowledge that this is an attractive person or situation that you find arousing and a turn on (sexual attraction is a natural part of being human that must be acknowledged, not shamed or avoided). 2nd Second—Look away. Look down or away, take this second to appreciate the sky, your surroundings, anything other than the object of your desire. Let yourself be aware that you are struggling; that you would rather keep staring at that person or get something (sexual) going with them or someone else. Allow the feeling, but instead of acting on it, take an opposite action by choosing to look away. 3rd Second—While still looking away, imagine in your mind that person as someone’s daughter, granddaughter, nephew, son, etc. See them (in your mind, not by looking at them a second time) as a genuine, spiritual, real person, worthy of love, who doesn’t deserve to be used sexually or romantically and then thrown away. Then keep moving on. By allowing the feeling, choosing to turn away and then de-objectifying the person, you get to stay in the world and feel okay about yourself, as a healthy person with healthy sexual desires, who does not act on them every time you feel them, and as someone who appreciates that people are people, not objects. The more addicts practice this simple exercise the easier it becomes to “be” in the world with less temptation and more hope. Weiss, Robert. Sex Addiction 101 (pp. 210-211). Health Communications, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
  • If we see something inappropriate (on the first look), we can implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that we're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close our eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, G-d willing, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage. This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid the first slip"). Many times we feel, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes us feel guilty when we’ve done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to further slips and falls. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are we expected to look away. The GYE Handbook
  • Weiss, D. (2000). 101 Freedom Exercise (3rd Ed.). Tip 13 - The One Second Rule.

The Beard Test

This is an exercise that you can do in a few seconds any time it’s necessary. [When you catch yourself objectifying a woman.] Run your open palm across your cheek, moving from your neck up toward your eyes (opposite the way your facial hair grows). If it makes a noise, you’re a man. I call this the Beard Test. It’s something I do when I occasionally catch myself objectifying women or I notice myself feeling young or immature. It’s a simple test you can do anywhere and at any time to remind you that you are an adult. Try the Beard Test or find your own version. It works if you work it. You don’t have to live in reaction to your history. There are no pimples on your face anymore. You have a beard now, and when rubbed, it makes a noise.... I also do the Beard Test when I spend more than three seconds looking at a woman. I call this “The Three-Second Rule.” Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing the Beard Test. It has become a positive, unconscious behavior that I do to correct my old addictive story line. It would be helpful for you to use the Beard Test or to create your own reminder ritual. Collins, George; Adleman, Andrew. Breaking the Cycle (p. 64). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.

The Beard Test, and the Three Second Rule In Chapter 5 of Breaking the Cycle, I explained something called the Beard Test and the Three Second Rule. These are simply little reminder rituals that I use when I begin to feel the pull of my compulsive behavior trying to take over. For the Beard Test, I simply run my hand along my cheek to feel for whiskers or stubble. When I feel them, and hear the sound it makes, I immediately remind myself that I am a MAN...NOT a little boy. I can be in control of my own actions and do not have to live in service to this regressive thinking. The Three Second Rule is another tool I use. If I catch myself looking at (or objectifying) a woman for more than three seconds, I remind myself to look away. This is a way to catch myself and to create a filter. These techniques work like a porn blocker on the computer. Collins, George. Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame - The Workbook . Neulia, by Compulsion Solutions. Kindle Edition.

First Thought Wrong

  • Reference: Ch. 12 - First Thought Wrong: Learn Not to Trust the Thoughts of Your Addict. Collins, George; Adleman, Andrew. Breaking the Cycle (p. 151). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.

The Red Light Guy

  • Reference: Ch. 11 - Your Red Light Guy: Change Sexual Energy into Positive Behavior Collins, George; Adleman, Andrew. Breaking the Cycle (p. 140). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.

Rubber Band

  • Rubber Band - See 101 Tips by Weiss Tip 11 - Retraining the Brain (for fantasies)

Notes

  • It seems like the model of how lust works is. You see (העין רואה), which leads you to crave (הלב חומד), which leads you to act. (See פוקח עורים פרק ח).
    • However, there's some more to it, see Urges. (Thoughts can be triggered by internal stimulation, and behaviors can sometimes precede urges)

Further Reading

  • ספר קדושת החיים
  • ספר והאר עיננו

References

  1. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts#350369
  2. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/356766-Lust-counterattack#356796
  3. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts?limit=15&start=30#350652
  4. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts?limit=15&start=30#350694
  5. ↑ #Dov - Excerpt from https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/80197-getting-the-urge-OUT-of-your-head-the-thread#104007
  6. ↑ #Trouble - https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/330962-Mickey-Mouse-Approach#330962
  7. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts?limit=15&start=15#350614
  8. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts?limit=15&start=30#350649
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