Teshuva

See all content in Positive Vision Ch. 11 - Teshuva.

See Zos Brisi Ch. 12 - Teshuvah Repairs the Damage. Ch. 13 - Thoughts on Teshuvah From the Chofetz Chaim and Rav Moshe Feinstein. Ch. 17 - Torah Atones for All Sins. Ch. 18 - Tikkunim.

Delaying Higher Levels of Teshuva

• See The Steipler
• See Chabad
• See מרכבות ארגמן סימן לג סעיף טז for many other sources.
• תשוב תחיני שפירא עמ' 97

Ozer Bigevura

See also General Chizuk and Hashkafah for a Bachur Struggling in Inyanei Kedushah

The proper method for doing teshuvah

[Section I, Ch. 3, Step Three: Acquire Heseich Hada’as]

Doing teshuvah soon after a person was nichshal will cause more damage than good. Even teshuvah has to have the correct time and place. [..]

If the bachur wants to deal with this issue, then he should schedule a set time for cheshbon hanefesh. For example, he should write on the calendar that next Tuesday at 10 pm, he will dedicate some time for this issue, by learning something pertaining to this nisayon or speaking to his Rebbi. He should allocate a fifteen minute slot, and then afterwards tell himself, “I did what I had to do, and now I’m done.” If a person does teshuvah at an appointed time, then it won’t drag him down into the mess. This is because when a person consciously sets a time for a cheshbon hanefesh, his seichel is in charge, and when his seichel is working clearly, he won’t slip up. However, spontaneous thoughts of teshuvah, which surface right after a bachur did something wrong, are typically emotionally bound, and they can easily cause more harm than good. This is because when someone falls, he is in a negative mode, one in which he is upset and “beats himself up”, and when someone is in this kind of mood, he can’t think straight. It follows therefore that all of the strategies mentioned, including reviewing the list of reasons to stop (see Step 2) or thinking in any way about this issue, should never be done as a reaction to something that happened, but rather by appointment only. At the time that something happens, there is only one goal: to be meisi’ach da’as, keep moving, and get busy with something positive.

In the event that a bachur comes over to you and says, “Rebbi, I feel horrible. Last night I messed up and did _______,” then you should tell him, “I hear. Try a little better today; continue on with your regular routine. Let’s make up a time, and we’ll meet next week to discuss it.” You’ll notice two changes in the bachur’s attitude: a) The following week when the bachur comes to you, his seichel will be much clearer, and b) he’ll usually end up having an easier time in the interim. If, on the other hand, the bachur tries to deal with the issue right after it happens, then he will end up acting out much more.

Identify True Charatah

[Section I Ch. 8 - Step Eight: Identify True Charatah]

Guilt is meant to be used for a constructive purpose. It’s an emotion that comes from a neshamah that feels distanced and awkward, and is sending a message that it’s time to change. However, many times the feelings of guilt end up being used against a person. In that case, the guilt becomes destructive. Destructive guilt does exactly what its name implies: It destroys a person. This form of guilt manifests itself when a bachur continues to act out in order to cover up and find relief from the guilty feelings he has as a result of the previous times he was nichshal.

True charatah, on the other hand, is when a person feels bad for what he did and has a strong urge to change or repair what was damaged. To illustrate, let’s say you were walking, carrying a cup of coffee, when you accidentally bump into someone and spill the coffee on his shirt. There are two ways to react: A sense of true charatah will lead you to want to do something for the person into whom you collided. You might run and get some paper towels, or bring him another shirt. However, a sense of destructive guilt will tell you, “This is terrible! I am so upset; I may as well just take the rest of the coffee and spill it on his shirt.”

In regards to charatah for an aveirah that one committed, the same two possible reactions exist. A bachur can either feel destructive guilt over what he has done and lose his cheishek and energy, or to the contrary, he can feel true remorse and gain in his determination to overcome the challenge.

When a person has true remorse, his desire to want to repair what he’s done wrong should give him a good feeling. It is true that when the aveirah is done, the person at first feels solemn and down from it. Nonetheless, afterwards he feels strengthened by a sense of resolve to conquer and fix his mistake. Destructive guilt, on the other hand, makes a person feel as if he’ll never be able to fix what he’s done, and he gives up hope. Guilt drains a person’s strength and shuts down his determination. The person feels, “I messed up already, so I may as well do it again.” That attitude creates a vicious cycle of more acting out, which leads to further guilt, hopelessness, and depression, and results in the bachur having an even lower self-image.

Destructive guilt usually comes automatically, against a person’s will. The person will often use these feelings as a proof that he really is “a piece of garbage”. He’ll tell himself, “You’re messed up”, rather than, “You messed something up.” A person who is plagued by destructive guilt feels that he is worthless, while someone who has productive remorse looks at himself as being someone so special that “es pas nisht” for him to have done this. One must distance himself from negative, guilty feelings, and because of their destructive effect, they should be treated with the same severity as hirhurei aveirah. A bachur should view feelings of guilt and depression like a train that is speeding in his direction, and he needs to escape as fast as he can. (See Step 5 - Establish Gedarim)

Quick Recap:

• Guilt is meant to be used for a constructive purpose, destructive guilt destroys a person.
• When a person has true remorse, his desire to want to repair what he’s done wrong should give him a good feeling.
• One must distance himself from guilty feelings; they should be treated with the same severity as hirhurei aveirah.

Aim for Complete Teshuvah

[Section I Ch. 10]

As explained in Step 8 [the section copied above], genuine charatah invigorates a person and creates a desire to fix the mistake. This is in contrast to destructive guilt, which robs a person from the strength he needs to start fresh. Therefore, in order to do a proper teshuvah, a bachur cannot get bogged down by all of his aveiros. As the Rabbeinu Yonah write in Yesod HaTeshuvah: ביום ההוא ישליך כל פשעיו אשר עשה when doing teshuvah, a person should put aside all of the aveiros that he did until now, and view himself כאילו היום נולד -- as if he was just born that day, ואין בידו לא זכות ולא חובה - with no mitzvos or aveiros yet. He’s like a brand new person, with a fresh, clean slate. This attitude, concludes the Rabbeinu Yonah, will bring a person to do a teshuvah sheleimah, a complete teshuvah.

In line with the words of the Rabbeinu Yonah, a few general rules will be presented regarding the process of guiding a bachur to do a complete teshuvah:

1. Teshuvah should be only in the form of positive actions, such as including more learning and davening. The measures taken should be oriented towards building a positive future, as opposed to focusing on the negative past. The bachur should tell himself, “There were some bad behaviors in my past, so now I have to learn more and strengthen my avodas Hashem.” He should be choosing normal, good actions (nothing extreme) and should be doing them in a positive way, rather than to punish himself.
2. The person has to believe that he can do teshuvah. Any rationalization that teshuvah won’t help for him is incorrect. (See Step 7)
3. Teshuvah has to be done in the right frame of mind. It should therefore be done at a later time, by appointment only, at a time when the seichel is working clearly. It should not be done as a spontaneous emotional reaction, right after the bachur did something wrong. (See Step 3.)
4. One must be careful not to try to control the thoughts and urges, and not to be overly worried about acting out. Doing so will get in the way of having complete heseich hada’as, which is the real antidote to these kinds of problems. (See Step 3.)

Quick Recap:

• Genuine charatah invigorates a person and creates a desire to fix the mistake.
• A person must always believe he can do teshuvah.
• A Rebbi should guide a bachur to do a proper teshuvah, with only positive actions, at only an appointed time.

See also

• ספר חובות הלבבות שער ז - שער התשובה פתיחה: אבל מ"ש בתורה בענין הזה, מהם מה שאמר הכתוב: כי יצר לב האדם רע מנעוריו, ונאמר: וכל יצר מחשבות לבו רק רע כל היום, ונאמר: ועיר פרא אדם יולד, ונאמר: הן עד ירח ולא יאהיל, ונאמר: כי אנוש רמה, ונאמר: ומה יזכה ילוד אשה. וכיון שהתברר מציאות הקצור במעשי האדם, היה מחנות הבורא אותו
  • ראה בעצתך תנחני ח"א עמ' 136
• ספר חובות הלבבות שער ז - שער התשובה פרק ב: והחלק השני, השב בלבו ובאבריו, ועומד בשכלו כנגד יצרו ומתנהג להכריח נפשו ולהלחם עם תאוותיה, עד שינצחנה וימנענה ממה שישנאהו הבורא יתברך, אלא שנפשו רוצה להטותו תמיד אל הפך עבודת הבורא ושואפת אל העברה, והוא משתדל לחסם אותה ופעם תנצחהו ופעם ינצחנה. וזה אינו שלם בדרך התשובה שמחייבת לו הכפרה. עד שיסור מן העברות לגמרי, כמו שכתוב: לכן בזאת יכופר עון יעקב וזה כל פרי הסר חטאתו וגו'.
  • וכתב על כך בשיח שדך (מונק עמ' תכה) דמכאן שמ"מ תשובתו קצת תשובה היא. וכוונתו היא שאע"פ שלעולם הבחירה בין טוב לרע נתונה בידי כל אדם, מ"מ ההרגל הרע מכביד על הבחירה, ובשעה שאדם מתחיל לשוב אל ה' די לו בזה לפי שעה שאינו מוסיף לחבור ברע יותר, כו'. ולענ"ד דברי חוה"ל הם פתח תקוה לכל אדם כו' ואע"פ שעדיין אין כפתרו שלימה כמו שכתב שם
• בענין סיגופים ע"י בלום פיך ראה אמרי מוהרא"ש ח"א סי' תתי "ואמר בשם רבינו הגר"א ז"ל שמוטב לסגף עצמו בדיבורו מאשר לסגף עצמו באכילה ושתיה.
• https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-worry-more-effectively/ (related to concept of scheduling time for Teshuva).
• במחשבה שניה בעילום שם עמ' 75-76 בשם רבי ירוחם ממיר שרק ביו"כ יש לחשוב על העבר

From GYE Members

• See this thread which discusses it at length.