Debunking Myths

See also Beliefs about Urges.

Myth: My struggle proves that I'm a loser

Is a diamond covered with dirt a "bad diamond"? We're precious children of Hashem and our neshama is a חלק אלוקה ממעל. Hashem loves us like a parent who loves his children unconditionally. Nothing can change it.

This struggle doesn’t define you any more than if you'd be struggling with lashon hara. It’s just that since these struggles are not talked about, so you feel as if you’re the only one struggling, and that there’s something wrong with you. Believe it or not, there are countless guys just like you who are struggling with the same thoughts and behaviors as you are, and we're in touch with thousands of them each year, it's just that no one talks about it. Check the GYE forums, and you’ll see that you’re not alone!

You’re a really great fellow. You daven, you learn Torah, you do chessed [acts of kindness]. You are a growth-oriented person who has the courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys have but can't face. You’re a great guy who happens to be struggling.

All males struggle with this to some extent, as Chazal say (Chagiga 11b) נפשו מחמדתן ומתאוה להם - that a person’s nefesh desires it. It's a normal part of life. Even the greatest people have had struggles with inyonei kedusha, and it's since it's a private struggle, it's common for people to think that they have a tougher battle than others, or that they fall more frequently. This is especially true in our generation when the nisyonos in this area are much greater than every before in history. The amount of pritzus we can see in one day is more than our ancestors would have seen in a lifetime!

Aside from that, the Gemara says (Sukkah 52a), כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו, the greater the person is the greater yetzer hara he will have. So even if you're struggle is harder than average, it just means that Hashem has selected you to be an Elite Air Force Pilot and is confident that you can win even the toughest battle — the last one before Moshiach. You have it in you, you just need more training and practice. Just like Air Force Pilots pilots are adored and respected, Hashem adores you, he knows you might lose some battles, but eventually you'll win the war.

• See Hashem's Unconditional Love
• See Self Worth.
• See Life Skills: Self-Acceptance and Compassion
• Perspectives on the struggle
• The Torah Approach

Myth: I’ve tried many times without success, the struggle is just too hard for me.

Thousands of GYE members just like you have been able to overcome this challenge. It’s just that you need the right strategies, and it often takes more than one try. Studies show that with each attempt your chances of success become higher.

Unlike regular decisions we make in life, habits are more resistant to change. That’s because a habit or addiction develops that creates new neural pathways in the brain. When the tools of GYE you’ll develop new ways of dealing with temptation, that with practice will become a new healthy habit. This takes time and effort, but it works!

In the United States alone, 9.1%, or 22.35 million adults have resolved a substance use problem (alcohol, drugs etc.), and many more have quit smoking.

At GYE we get emails all the time from guys who have been struggling for years and years, and have finally been able to break free and reach true freedom.

• Related article: Why the challenge is so hard
• Vahaeir Eineinu p. 90-91 - "Dispelling a Myth": In fascination we read from Rav Tzadok Hakohen (Tzidkas HaTzaddik, 49): If one particular issue keeps getting in the way, forming an obstinate roadblock, don’t go into reverse. Look again at the signpost. It does not read, ‘dead end’. It says, ‘Here lies your maximum potential for excellence.’ So please drive this way. You have just chanced upon your particular field of endeavor. It is the very purpose for which you were created. עיי"ש.

[For singles] Myth: Masturbation is a need, it’s impossible to resist

Some guys think it's impossible for single guys not to masturbate. The truth is that while it might be uncomfortable in the beginning (some guys experience what “withdrawal symptoms” - we’ll talk about that later in the course), it’s certainly doable. There’s no volcanic buildup. Your body will easier reabsorb it, or you it will come out as a nocturnal emission (“wet dream”).

Here's a quote from the GYE Handbook:

Some people think that if they are unmarried and have no outlet, they cannot possibly remain clean indefinitely. This is patently false. We have helped many Bochurim to achieve complete abstinence and we have many testimonials of Bochurim who were addicted and broke free using the right tools, attitude and determination. In some ways, it is even easier for Bochurim to refrain completely from lust since they have no need to indulge in it at all. And as Chazal say, “There is a small limb in a man, when it is satiated - it is hungry, but when it is starved - it is satiated”.

Some people today are under the misconception that these behaviors are healthy or even necessary for the body. This is completely untrue. The medical community is in agreement that holding back for long periods of time does not cause anything noticeable to happen. There is no build up of pressure. Our bodies are always reabsorbing and disposing of extra material, including the excess components of zera. It is perfectly natural to keep ‘dry’ for a long period of time. There are no risks or heath problems associated with it at all.

We know of hundreds of young addicts who have broken free from this addiction. Many of them wrote about their recovery and you can find their stories on our website. You can see for yourself how people even worse off than you were able to break free.

And here are some quotes from GYE Members:

• I used to think back when I was regularly mzl [masturbating] that it would be impossible for me to stop completely and that I will necessarily fall even if try to stop. And that's exactly what happened. Every time. Until I found GYE. I learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it.” @Ftndrug
• “I’ve masturbated compulsively for years and years, and now I’m clean for an entire year! There really is no need. There's a very strong urge, but there's no need to masturbate. I just needed to make a very deep decision in my heart and mind, that I really don't need it. I may slip once in a while, but it's not anymore like "I'm anyway going to fall, so why am I controlling myself today? I'm going to fall tomorrow or the next day". @HashemHelpMe (scroll down to "From GYE Members" to find out more).

[For singles] Myth: My porn problem will go away after marriage

[Relevant for older teens]

The truth is that it won't, “The bottom line is "Married life no more cures a porn addiction than winning the lottery cures a gambling addiction... Unless there is deep change, a person hooked on this kind of experience will not be cured by marriage. Instead, the porn obsession just might destroy the marriage." Due to something called the Coolidge effect porn will be enticing even when you have a real relationship.

To quote Rabbi Yisroel Brog, “I promise you, getting married is not going to help you. It may take a little of the edge off temporarily. But then as the Talmud says משביעו רעב - the more you satiate this desire, the more hungry you get.”

Marriage just adds another layer of guilt, because you are not being transparent with your wife, and leads to a lack of satisfaction with your marriage.

Getting married just added another layer to the guilt. The feeling of not being transparent as well as the feeling of betraying her are both enough to drive a man insane. 

And sooner or later, you get caught…

So it’s fantastic that you’ve signed up to our site while you’re still single. By breaking free now, you’ll be setting yourself up for an incredibly satisfying marriage.

Note: If you're struggle is only with thoughts and occasional masturbation, it usually will get easier after marriage.

Related:

• GYE Boost: Rabbi Avi Wiesenfeld talks about how it doesn't stop after marriage.
• "Some have the mistaken notion that this problem will go away with marriage, but it’s simply not true; the addiction remains and continues to manifest itself in worse ways." (Ozer Bigevurah p. 68)
• How pornography damages relationships

Myth: At some point I'll fall anyway, so what's the point?

Well, that's like saying, I'll lose a few dollars at some point anyway, so what's the point of winning the lottery? By using the right tools and making it a top priority you'll see amazing success. Just like learning to ride a bike, it might take a few tries, but eventually you'll figure it out! The behavior will no longer be out of control, but will become a conscious choice, and you'll be able to stay clean indefinitely. Falls aren't inevitable.

Secondly, even if you "only" manage to reduce the frequency of your setbacks from twice a week or twice a month, or twice a year, isn't that a HUGE accomplishment? "All-or-nothing" thinking is one of the yetzer hara’s favorite weapons. R’ Yissachar Frand Shlita quoted a famous aphorism at the Siyum Hashas, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.” The yetzer hara loves to motivate someone towards perfectionism, because that typically leads to failure and misery. This healthy attitude makes it much easier to keep on going after a setback, and as time goes by you'll look back and be blown away by how far you've come!

Here's how a GYE member described his attitude:

I realize that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the YH strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that I would inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasure opportunities along the way). But in my short time on his program, however, and by reading the handbooks, I have come to appreciate every moment as an accomplishment. This is true in terms of Zechuyos [spiritual rewards] and in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progression of this disease I can realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, whether I am counting days or not. I truly hope that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has led me to be part of this wonderful forum. @Hoping

In lesson ___, we'll discuss more how to deal with setbacks.

See also:

• Setbacks (See "look at the trends" section)
• See Life Skills: Anti-perfectionism (it has some tips on how to battle perfectionism).
• GYE Handbook: "Every Little Bit Counts"; "It’s never all or nothing"; "Hashem looks at our efforts, not the results".

Research

• Challenging myths related to positive outcome expectancies and discussing the psychological components of substance use (e.g., placebo effects) provide the client with opportunities to make more informed choices in high-risk situations. Relapse Prevention, Second Edition: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors (Kindle Locations 273-275). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition.
• Some of the myths dealt with in Group Treatment for Substance Abuse are:
  • Substance users have to hit “rock bottom” before they can change. The truth is there is no proof that it's true and that "quite the contrary; the earlier in the addiction process a person gets intervention, the longer he or she can live a healthy, substance-free life (Hoffman & Froemke, 2007)"
  • Addicts are bad people
  • Addiction is a willpower problem The truth is that "Addiction occurs in an area of the brain called the mesolimbic dopamine system that is not under conscious control. People with substance use disorders still have choice and some control-but it is compromised."
  • Some people just can’t change. The truth is: "Research actually shows that the more change attempts someone makes the more likely he or she is to eventually succeed. With each attempt to change you learn more about yourself and can gain confidence from the strategies that were helpful. (When it comes to nicotine addiction, there are 42 million former smokers, which shows that addicts can change.)"

From GYE Members

Masturbation is not a need

by #HashemHelpMe

Some guys think it's impossible not to masturbate. Here's how I deal with it:

First, I try to introduce them to other bochurim that have stopped.

Second I ask them why they think it's impossible? I ask "Did you ever control yourself for, let's say two weeks? And the guy will say, yeah.

"So how many gallons came out? According to you, there's this volcanic buildup that's taking place that I've asked you is one 60 days. You're going to have five gallons come out. That doesn't happen to anybody."

There really is no need. There's a very strong urge, but there's no need to masturbate.

And as soon as you make that decision, it's very deep decision in your heart and your mind, you really don't need it. You may be נכשל once in awhile, but it's not anymore like "I'm anyway going to fall. So from anywhere it's going to fall, why am I, why am I controlling myself today? I'm going to fall tomorrow or the next day".

Note: The Windows Method is a way to demonstrate that masturbation is not a need.

Torah Sources

• Ozer Bigevruah p. 93: The bachur has a black-and-white mindset; he thinks it’s either “all or nothing”. He may think, “If I never do it, then I’m okay; I’m a tzaddik. But if I ever do this again, I’m a rasha, and all of my work was for nothing.” Such a bachur is carrying on his shoulders a pressure that is too enormous for a person to handle. Having this kind of attitude prevents him from being able to accept any of the strategies you may want to teach him.
  • ברכת פרץ, פרשת במדבר, שכ’ וז”ל-- באמת עצם ההשתדלות עצמו היא עבודה קדושה וחשובה לפני המקום ב”ה, ( שהרי הוא עוסק בעבודתו ית’ שמו, ואפילו אילו יהא מצבו כך כל ימי חייו, זהו תכליתו בעולמו, וכש”כ שבאמת לא לעולם יהא מצבו ככה, כי סוף סוף זוכה לסייעתא דשמיא ויהא לבו ער לעבודתו ית”ש בלא דחיפות תכופות שע”י נפילות, ונמצא, שהנפילות הללו וירידה זו צורך עלייה הוא [אכן יש בזה סכנה גדולה, כי רבים נפלו ונשאר שבורים וצריך לבקש רחמיםרבים להנצל מזה], ומיד כשחוזר ומתחזק לעלות תמיד במעלות הקודש, יש תועלת רב בהנפילות הללו; עכ”ל.