Normalizing

It's normal to struggle

• Rav Shlomo Wolbe
• The Steipler
• Rav Yitzchok Hutner
• Rav Elyah Lopian
• Reb Itche der Masmid.
• כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו

No one is immune

References

• Bava Basra 164b. Tosfos Chullin 37b that only Yechezkel Hanovi was able to attest that he was immune to this.
• Even the greatest Gedolim have struggled with such thoughts and temptations. Kiddushin 81a-81b regarding R’ Amram Chasida, R’ Meir, and R’ Chiya bar Ashi. Rashi Sanhedrin 31b about
• Mar Ukvah. Bava Metzia 85a regarding the son of R’ Elazar ben R’ Shimon.
• General Normalization - See והתקדשתם ch. 31 p. 3 and on
  • כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו - ch. 31 p. 20 and on.
• See also General Chizuk and Hashkafah for a Bachur Struggling in Inyanei Kedushah.

Rav Masya Ben Charash

The Medrash Yalkut Shimoni (Vayechi) tells this story:

Once the Satan fixed his sight on Masya ben Charash who was a big Tzaddik, and said to himself: "Is it possible that this man does not sin?" Then the Satan went and asked G-d: "How do you view Rabbi Masya Ben Charash?" And G-d replied: "He is a perfect Tzaddik". The Satan said to G-d: "Give me permission to put him to the test". G-d told the Satan: "Go".

The Satan appeared to the Rabbi as a beautiful woman, the likes of which had never been in the world. When the Tzaddik saw her, he immediately turned his face away. Then the woman quickly moved to the side where Rabbi Masya had turned his face to, and again he quickly turned his face away. Then the Tzaddik said: "I am afraid that my Yetzer Hara will overpower me and cause me to sin". What did the Tzaddik do? He called a student that was with him and ordered him to bring him fire with nails. The student brought him nails and the Tzaddik put them into the fire and then to his eyes and became blind. When the Satan saw this, he trembled and fell on his back.

At that time The Holy One Blessed be He called the angel Raphael - for he is in charge of healing - and told him: "Go and heal Rabbi Masya Ben Charash". Then Raphael came in front of the Rabbi and the Rabbi asked him: "Who are you?" and he replied: "I am Raphael the angel, I came for G-d sent me to cure your eyes". Rabbi Masya replied: "Leave me alone, what is already done is done". Raphael returned before the Holy One Blessed be He and said: "Master of the World, thus spoke Masya". G-d said to Raphael: "Go back to him and tell him that I will personally guarantee that the Yetzer Hara will have no power over him". Immediately Raphael went and cured Masya. From here our Sages said: "All those who are careful not to look at women, the Yetzer Hara has no power over them".

Rav Amram the Chasid

The Gemara in Kidushin 81/a tells this story:

Some women who had been taken captive were redeemed and brought to Nehardai. They were kept in the attic of Rav Amram the Chasid and the ladder was removed. At night, a beam of light reflected off one of the women, revealing her beauty. Rav Amram was seized with lust and he moved the ladder (which normally needs 10 people to move it) to ascend. As he was halfway up, he screamed "There is a fire in Rav Amram's house!" and the Rabanan (Rabbis and students) flocked to his house. After they saw that there was no fire they said to him, "You embarrassed us (with your behavior)!" Answered Rav Amram: "It is better to suffer embarrassment in this world than in the next".

In our times

• Rabbi Yaakov Emden related in Megilas Sefer (Ed. Warsaw, 5657) p. 82 how he was personally tempted, and barely withstood the test.

• See also Rav Elyah Lopian, Reb Itche der Masmid.

Ozer Bigevurah

[Section I Ch. 1 Step 1 Normalize]

The first message that should be conveyed to a bachur is that this struggle is very normal, and everybody deals with it on some level or another. Having a desire for this doesn’t mean that there is anything negative about a person. We say twice daily in Shema, ולא תתורו - do not explore inappropriate sights, after which you stray. The passuk is addressing every person in every generation. Even chashuve people and those who lived centuries ago had to deal with this issue. Likewise, when talking about this desire, Chazal tell us (: חגיגה יא ) t נפשו מחמדתו - that a person’s nefesh craves it.

Chazal aren’t referring specifically to bad people; they are addressing every single person. When a bachur realizes this, he won’t condemn himself as being no good when he encounters a nisayon. If, however, a bachur gets upset at himself, then he won’t be able to move forward in the healing process. Instead, he will claim that he is doomed for failure due to what he perceives as an abnormal challenge.

Knowing these ideas takes away the taboo aspect of this topic and allows the bachur to let go of the negative impression he has created of himself. He will then be able to say to himself, “Okay; this urge or improper thought that is coming my way is one of my challenges in life. Just as some people are prone to getting stomachaches or headaches, I am faced with this struggle. It’s a normal feeling, and I can deal with it.”

You should also explain to the bachur that from your experience in speaking to many people about this issue, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true. You can add that which the רמב”ם writes, that there is no kehillah that can be considered immune to this. Every group of Yidden across the entire world deals with this yetzer hora. (If you’re working with an older bachur or yungeman, then you can explain to him why it’s necessary to have this ta’avah, as it is an important part of the bri’ah.

In this context, it’s important to explain to a bachur that he has no control over when a nisayon comes his way. An improper thought may fall into his head suddenly, out of the blue. Since this is the case, he has no reason to feel bad that the thought came; it was out of his realm of bechirah. (Bechirah, however, does lie in whether the person will leave the thought alone and allow it to pass through, or whether he will dwell on it, which causes it to leave a stronger impact on him.)

Recap:

• The first message that should be conveyed is that everybody deals with this challenge on some level or another. Having a desire for this doesn’t mean that there is anything negative about a person.
• If a bachur gets upset at himself, then he won’t be able to move forward in the healing process.
• If you’re working with an older bachur or yungeman, then you can explain to him why it’s necessary to have this ta’avah, as it is an important part of the bri’ah.
• Another concept that should be explained is that an improper thought can fall into a person’s head suddenly, and one should not feel bad that the thought came.

See also General Chizuk and Hashkafah for a Bachur Struggling in Inyanei Kedushah

GYE Boost

• Adam & Chava's First Nightfall - Rabbi Chanoch Henry Harris talks about the normalcy of falls and new beginnings.
• The Beauty in the Process - By Rabbi Moshe Weinberger. In spiritual matters, the "destination" is not the goal. The very process of growing, with all its ups and downs, is what makes the results so beautiful in the end. So don't worry if your growth seems slow and full of disappointments. As long as you are trying and making progress, the journey itself is the most precious thing in Hashem's eyes!"
• WHAT'S EXPECTED OF US. By Rabbi Moshe Weinberger. Is Shmiras Einayim and Shmiras Habris something you really CARE about?
• WE'RE NOT ANGELS - By Rabbi Shmuel Baron. What is the key to being an erliche Jew?
• See also WHO'S THE FREAK? By Rabbi Yisroel Brog. Don't be naïve about the nature of these desires. (Talks about how common it is…  normal to have tayva. just weird that he'll tell a wife to suspect her husband.)

From GYE Members

• What keeps me going is ... seeing that so many normal people have this struggle and I'm not a low life for having this issue #Shnitzel and kugel

Further Reading

• See The Steipler, 1:110 and 1:113.
• Rav Shlomo Wolbe
• The Maybruch Method
• See Chabad (שני מכתבים חדשים) where the Lubavitcher Rebbe zt"l warns against excessive normalization.
• בספר אשיב ממצולות עמ' 101: ממו״ר הרב יעקב אריאל שליט״א ‏שמעתי שבימינו צריך להדריך להפריד בין סוגיית קדושת הברית לבין שאר ענייני עבודת ה׳. אסור שמידת הצלחתו של האדם בהתמודדות עם יצרו תהיה עבורו מבחן לשער ענייני הקדושה שבהם הוא עסוק ולמידת קרבתו אל ה׳. אל לו לפקפק ‏בכנות תפילתו ותורתו, וודאי שלא להימנע מהם, גם אם הוא נגוע בחטאים בענייני הברית. והוסיף הרב יהושע שפירא שליט"א, שטעם הדבר הוא שהפריצות שוטפת בימינו ללא מעצור ועל-כן היא יוצרת התמודדות בתחום זה בסדרי גודל שאינם דומים לדורות אחרים, מה שאין כן בשאר ענייני תורה ומצוות (אע״פ שגם בהם השתנה דורינו מכל דור).
• והאר עיננו פ"ה: טרם נתחיל להציע דברינו יש למעיין לדעת באופן ברור שאין הוא יחיד בעולמו המתקדש בענין זה אלא יש לו הרבה אחים לצרה. וגם אם ברור לו שיש לו אישית קושי מיוחד בענין זה יותר משאר בני דורו [ויתכן שנכון הדבר], ידע נאמנה שישנם עשרות ומאות אנשים חשובים הסבורים בדיוק כמותו. וכך גם אמר הגרי"א ווינטרויב שליט"א לאדם אחד "אין לך מושג כמה אנשים מהסביב שלך סובלים את מה שאתה סובל"! הבעיה כשלעצמה חובקת עולם, וזהו טבע שהטביע הבורא בנפש האדם לצורך קיום העולם, וגם אנשים גדולים אינם נשללים מה לגמרי.
• Battle of the Generation p. 13: It’s Normal to Desire. Hashem created desire. Not you. He gave it to us as a test, a charge to win our battles and reach greatness. Pretty much any desire you experience is normal. Everyone gets it and must fight through it. Never blame yourself for your impulses. All that matters is what you do with them.