Difference between revisions of "Debunking Myths"

From The GYE Wiki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
 
(28 intermediate revisions by the same user not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
See also [[Beliefs about Urges]].
 
See also [[Beliefs about Urges]].
 +
 +
== Research ==
 +
Rationale: Consciousness raising involves increasing knowledge about oneself and the nature of the problem behavior. This session introduces clients to current research in the addiction field and raises their awareness about advances in the field and hopeful prospects for recovery. When clients talk about how they see themselves in light of new information—and how it differs from their current view—they are using the change process of self-reevaluation. ''Velasquez, Mary M. Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, Second Edition. P/C/P Session 2''
 +
 +
Self-efficacy to quit the addiction seems to be relevant only insofar as a modest amount of it is needed so that the individual avoids becoming discouraged about the possibility of change and giving up even on the contemplation of change. ''DiClemente, C. C. (2018). Addiction and change : how addictions develop and addicted people recover (Second Ed). Guilford Substance Abuse.''
 +
 +
Another reason for the length of the Action period is that it takes time to recover from the neurobiological and neurocognitive effects of the addiction on the brain. ''DiClemente, C. C. (2018). Addiction and change: how addictions develop and addicted people recover (Second Edi). Guilford Substance Abuse.'' See also ''Taite, Richard. Ending Addiction for Good: The Groundbreaking, Holistic, Evidence-Based Way to Transform Your Life (p. 74). Wheatmark, Inc.. Kindle Edition,'' and ''The Yes Brain by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson on Blinkist.''
  
 
== Myth: My struggle proves that I am a loser ==
 
== Myth: My struggle proves that I am a loser ==
−
Remember one thing: Your behavior is not ''you'', it's something you ''do''. Just like a diamond covered with dirt does not make it a "bad diamond" so to, the Torah encourages us to see yourself as a great person even if you have shortcomings and challenges.<ref name=":0">Adapted from the Pre Bar Mitzvah Guide. GYE, Unpublished. Based on Sichos Mussar (Rav Chaim Shmulevitz) Maamor 28 and 55. Zichon Eliyahu (Bloch) p. 322.</ref> After all, we're precious children of Hashem and our ''neshama'' is a חלק אלוקה ממעל. Hashem loves us like a parent who loves his children ''unconditionally.''<ref>See [[Hashem's Unconditional Love]]</ref> The Neshama is who you really ''are''.
+
Okay, so you have some shortcomings and challenges, but does a diamond covered with dust make it a "bad diamond"? 
  
−
This struggle doesn’t ''define'' you any more than if you'd be struggling with ''lashon hara''.<ref>שמעתי בשם רבי שלמה וולבה שהוא אמר בשם רבי יחזקאל לוינשטיין שצריכים להתייחס לאיסור שז"ל כמו שמתייחסים לאיסור לשה"ר. (ד”ר בן ציון סורוצקין)
+
You're a precious child of Hashem, and Hashem loves you like a parent who loves his children ''unconditionally.''<ref>See [[Hashem's Unconditional Love]]</ref> Your Neshama which is is a חלק אלוקה ממעל is who you really ''are''. It's your ''positive'' behaviors (davening, learning Torah, ''chessed'' [acts of kindness] that reflect who you really are. 
  
−
וראה מש"כ הרב משה מונק, הובא [[Understanding Masturbation|כאן]].</ref> It’s just that since these struggles are not talked about, so you feel as if you’re the only one struggling, and that there’s something wrong with you. Believe it or not, there are countless guys just like you who are struggling with the same thoughts and behaviors as you are<ref>Based  [https://touroscholar.touro.edu/gssw_pubs/45/ Rosmarin & Puritinsky (2019)] and private correspondence with the authors.</ref>, and we're in touch with thousands of them each year, it's just that no one talks about it. Check the GYE forums, and you’ll see that you’re not alone!
+
All males struggle with this to some extent, as Chazal say (Chagiga 11b) נפשו מחמדתן ומתאוה להם - that a person’s ''nefesh'' desires it. It's a normal part of life. Even the greatest people have had struggles with ''inyonei kedusha.''<ref>See [[Normalization]]. [[General Chizuk and Hashkafah for a Bachur Struggling in Inyanei Kedushah]] > Did Gedolim also struggle in inyanei kedushah?</ref> This is especially true in our generation when the ''nisyonos'' in this area are much greater than every before in history<ref>See the concept of the triple-A engine of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity,  [https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/cpb.1998.1.187 Al Cooper. Cyber Psychology & Behavior.] Jan 1998.187-193.<nowiki>http://doi.org/10.1089/cpb.1998.1.187</nowiki>. See also [https://go.gale.com/ps/anonymous?id=GALE%7CA95844660 here]. Also see the chapter "The Age of Sexual Temptation" in Douglas Braun-Harvey MA, MFT, CGP, CST, Michael A. Vigorito LMFT, LCPC, C. (2016). Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction (Vol. 7, Issue 2). Springer Publishing Company. </ref>. The amount of ''pritzus'' we can see in one day is more than our ancestors would have seen in a lifetime!<ref>With internet porn a guy can see more in 10 minutes than his ancestors could see in several lifetimes. See [http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/The%20Great%20Porn%20Experiment The Great Porn Experiment]</ref> It’s just that since these struggles are not talked about, so you feel as if there's something different about you. Believe it or not, we speak to thousands of guys each year who are struggling with the same thoughts and behaviors as you are<ref>Based  [https://touroscholar.touro.edu/gssw_pubs/45/ Rosmarin & Puritinsky (2019)] and private correspondence with the authors.</ref> — you’re not alone!  
  
−
You’re a really great fellow. You daven, you learn Torah, you do chessed [acts of kindness]. You are a growth-oriented person who has the courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys have but can't face. You’re a great guy who happens to be struggling.
+
The Gemara says (Sukkah 52a), כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו, the greater the person is the greater ''yetzer hara'' he will have<ref>See [[כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו]].</ref>. So even if you're struggle is harder than average, it just means that Hashem see that you have incredible potential, and has selected you to be an ''Elite Air Force Pilot'' to participate in the ''toughest battle''<ref>אור יחזקאל ח"א - מכתבים סי' יא - הנה זה כלל לאדם מה ה' דורש ממך, '''מה שהוא היפוך טבעו''', בשביל זאת, לשבור את טבעו, נברא האדם... כי עיקר בריאת האדם היא זאת לשבור ולהסיר '''הערלה''' מעל '''לבו'''. וכל מה שהאדם מרגיש כבידות - זה ערלה שלו ר"ל, וזה עבודתו, ובזה יעלה '''מעלה מעלה'''.
  
−
All males struggle with this to some extent, as Chazal say (Chagiga 11b) נפשו מחמדתן ומתאוה להם - that a person’s ''nefesh'' desires it. It's a normal part of life. Even the greatest people have had struggles with ''inyonei kedusha,''<ref>See [[Normalization]]. [[General Chizuk and Hashkafah for a Bachur Struggling in Inyanei Kedushah]] > Did Gedolim also struggle in inyanei kedushah?</ref> and it's since it's a private struggle, it's common for people to think that they have a tougher battle than others, or that they fall more frequently. This is especially true in our generation when the ''nisyonos'' in this area are much greater than every before in history<ref>See the concept of the triple-A engine of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity,  [https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/cpb.1998.1.187 Al Cooper. Cyber Psychology & Behavior.] Jan 1998.187-193.<nowiki>http://doi.org/10.1089/cpb.1998.1.187</nowiki>. See also [https://go.gale.com/ps/anonymous?id=GALE%7CA95844660 here]. Also see the chapter "The Age of Sexual Temptation" in Douglas Braun-Harvey MA, MFT, CGP, CST, Michael A. Vigorito LMFT, LCPC, C. (2016). Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction (Vol. 7, Issue 2). Springer Publishing Company. </ref>. The amount of ''pritzus'' we can see in one day is more than our ancestors would have seen in a lifetime!<ref>With internet porn a guy can see more in 10 minutes than his ancestors could see in several lifetimes. See [http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/The%20Great%20Porn%20Experiment The Great Porn Experiment]</ref>
+
See also [[Tzidkas Hatzadik|צדקת הצדיק]] that you can excel specifically in this area. And see [[כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו]]. See [[Chabad|Torah Menachem - Yechidus]], "הרי זו מסירות נפש גדולה יותר, מזו שהיתה ליהודים ברוסיה'". עכ"ל.
  
−
Aside from that, the Gemara says (Sukkah 52a), כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו, the greater the person is the greater ''yetzer hara'' he will have<ref>See [[כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו]].</ref>. So even if you're struggle is harder than average, it just means that Hashem has selected you to be an ''Elite Air Force Pilot'' and is confident that you can win even the ''toughest battle —'' the last one before Moshiach<ref>See [[Perspectives on the Struggle]] > The Challenge Before Moshiach.</ref>''.'' You have it in you, you just need more training and practice. Just like Air Force Pilots pilots are adored and respected, Hashem ''adores'' you, he knows that while you'll lose some battles, you'll eventually win the war.<ref>See [[Rav Yitzchok Hutner]]'s famous letter. And see [[Perspectives on the Struggle]]. See also [[Play the Yetzer Hara’s game and Win!]].</ref> Yes, you're in a tough place right now, but the future is bright.
+
Gedolim of our generation, among them Harav Pam זצ"ל, have stated that the world has not sunk this low since Dor HaMabul (Zos Brisi p. 3)</ref> ''—'' the last one before Moshiach<ref>See [[Perspectives on the Struggle]] > The Challenge Before Moshiach.</ref>''.'' Just like Air Force Pilots pilots are adored and respected, Hashem ''adores'' you. You should respect yourself too!<ref name=":0">See [[Self Worth]] </ref>
  
−
Feeling good about yourself is the best ''shmirah'' from ''aveira''<ref>See [[Despair]].</ref> and is the best motivator for future growth. The better you feel about yourself, the more energy and desire you'll have to achieve even greater experiences of good.<ref name=":0" /><ref>See also [[Despair]]. And see Chazon Ish, Emunah Ubitachon, 4:14: המוסר אומר לאדם אהוב את עצמך ורכוש כבוד, אבל דע לך מה אשרך עלי חלד, ומה כבודך, אין כבוד אלא תורה, אין כבוד אלא ענוה, אין כבוד אלא עזיבת הכבוד, אין אושר רק להשתחרר מנטיות טבעיות, ולהיות נכנע לד' ולתורתו. ע"כ. ובספרי חסידות מבואר הנ"ל באופן אחר קצת.</ref> Seeing your ''neshama'' as a diamond, will also bring you to try to maintain its beauty by guarding it from contamination, and by trying to add to its beauty by polishing it and doing whatever possible to uncover its luster.<ref>Adapted from Mindfulness: A Jewish a Approach by Dr. Jonathan Feiner.</ref>   
+
Feeling positive about yourself is the best ''shmirah'' from ''aveira''<ref>See [[Despair]].</ref> and is the best motivator for future growth. The better you feel about yourself, the more energy and desire you'll have to strive higher.<ref name=":0" /><ref>See also [[Despair]]. And see Chazon Ish, Emunah Ubitachon, 4:14: המוסר אומר לאדם אהוב את עצמך ורכוש כבוד, אבל דע לך מה אשרך עלי חלד, ומה כבודך, אין כבוד אלא תורה, אין כבוד אלא ענוה, אין כבוד אלא עזיבת הכבוד, אין אושר רק להשתחרר מנטיות טבעיות, ולהיות נכנע לד' ולתורתו. ע"כ. ובספרי חסידות מבואר הנ"ל באופן אחר קצת.</ref> Remembering that are a diamond will also bring you to try to maintain its beauty by guarding it from contamination, and by trying to add to its beauty by polishing it and doing whatever possible to uncover its luster.<ref>Adapted from Mindfulness: A Jewish a Approach by Dr. Jonathan Feiner.</ref>   
 
* See [[Hashem's Unconditional Love]]
 
* See [[Hashem's Unconditional Love]]
−
* See [[Self Worth]].
+
* See [[Self Worth]] (recently updated)
 
* See [https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590389-life-skills-self-acceptance-and-compassion Life Skills: Self-Acceptance and Compassion]
 
* See [https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590389-life-skills-self-acceptance-and-compassion Life Skills: Self-Acceptance and Compassion]
 
* [[Perspectives on the Struggle|Perspectives on the struggle]]
 
* [[Perspectives on the Struggle|Perspectives on the struggle]]
 
* [[The Torah Approach by Battleworn|The Torah Approach]]
 
* [[The Torah Approach by Battleworn|The Torah Approach]]
 +
* [[Heavenly Reward]]
 +
* Battle of the Generation Ch. 1. See also Ch. 21<ref>That even if the struggle ''is'' your fault, you still get the same sechar.</ref>. Ch. 22<ref>The desire for honor — and caring what others think about us, its common manifestation — is a sublimation of our greatest drive, the desire to reach greatness. We want to be impressed with ourselves and what we have accomplished. • Let’s dream big and act on the inspiration to achieve the greatest experience ever, both in this world and the next.</ref>. Appendix 1.
 +
Additional points:
 +
 +
* This struggle doesn’t ''define'' you any more than if you'd be struggling with ''lashon hara.''<ref>שמעתי בשם רבי שלמה וולבה שהוא אמר בשם רבי יחזקאל לוינשטיין שצריכים להתייחס לאיסור שז"ל כמו שמתייחסים לאיסור לשה"ר. (ד”ר בן ציון סורוצקין)
 +
 +
וראה מש"כ הרב משה מונק, הובא [[Understanding Masturbation|כאן]].</ref>
 +
* Hashem knows that while you'll lose some battles, you'll win the war.<ref>See [[Rav Yitzchok Hutner]]'s famous letter. And see [[Perspectives on the Struggle]]. See also [[Play the Yetzer Hara’s game and Win!]].</ref> Yes, you're in a tough place right now, but the future is bright! You have it in you, you just need more training and practice.
 +
* @HashemHelpMe: By signing up to this program you've demonstrated that you're are a growth-oriented person who has the courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys are afraid to face.
 +
** That's certainly the GuardYourEyes spirit. If you speak to mentors on the site, you'll get nothing but respect. Respect for your courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys struggle with, but are afraid to face.
  
 
== Myth: I’ve tried many times without success, the struggle is just too hard for me. ==
 
== Myth: I’ve tried many times without success, the struggle is just too hard for me. ==
Line 29: Line 46:
  
 
At GYE we get [[How I reached 90 days|emails]] all the time from guys who have been struggling ''for years and years'', and have finally been able to break free and reach true freedom.  
 
At GYE we get [[How I reached 90 days|emails]] all the time from guys who have been struggling ''for years and years'', and have finally been able to break free and reach true freedom.  
 +
 +
The fact that the struggle is hard is actually an opportunity. Rav Dessler zt"l explains<ref>See [[Nekudas Habechira|נקודת הבחירה]]. והאר עיננו עמ' לז.</ref> that we mainly get rewarded for Mitzvos that are hard, because that's where we really have a ''choice''. Not eating a ham sandwich isn't really much of a dilemma, right? Indeed, Chazal<ref>אבות דרבי נתן פ"ה מכ"ג, וספר חסידים (מרגליות) סימן קנה.
 +
 +
See [[Heavenly Reward]]</ref> say that when we do mitzvos that are difficult, we get 100x time more reward.<ref>וראה גם [http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/Heavenly_Reward ספר חסידים סימן תתקמה], דעתה גברה מאד הסט"א והמעט שעושים עתה חשוב לפניו יתברך כהרבה שהיו עושים הראשונים.</ref> 
  
 
* ''Related article: [[Why the challenge is so hard]]''
 
* ''Related article: [[Why the challenge is so hard]]''
−
* Vahaeir Eineinu p. 90-91 - "Dispelling a Myth": In fascination we read from Rav Tzadok Hakohen (Tzidkas HaTzaddik, 49): If one particular issue keeps getting in the way, forming an obstinate roadblock, don’t go into reverse. Look again at the signpost. It does not read, ‘dead end’. It says, ‘Here lies your maximum potential for excellence.’ So please drive this way. You have just chanced upon your particular field of endeavor. It is the very purpose for which you were created. עיי"ש.
+
* [[Tzidkas Hatzadik]]
  
 
== [For singles] Myth: Masturbation is a need, it’s impossible to resist ==
 
== [For singles] Myth: Masturbation is a need, it’s impossible to resist ==
Line 44: Line 65:
 
* I used to think back when I was regularly mzl [masturbating] that it would be impossible for me to stop completely and that I will necessarily fall even if try to stop. And that's exactly what happened. Every time. Until I found GYE. I learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it.” @Ftndrug
 
* I used to think back when I was regularly mzl [masturbating] that it would be impossible for me to stop completely and that I will necessarily fall even if try to stop. And that's exactly what happened. Every time. Until I found GYE. I learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it.” @Ftndrug
 
* “I’ve masturbated compulsively for years and years, and now I’m clean for an entire year! There really is no need. There's a very strong urge, but there's no need to masturbate. I just needed to make a very deep decision in my heart and mind, that I really don't need it. I may slip once in a while, but it's not anymore like "I'm anyway going to fall, so why am I controlling myself today? I'm going to fall tomorrow or the next day". @HashemHelpMe (scroll down to "From GYE Members" to find out more).
 
* “I’ve masturbated compulsively for years and years, and now I’m clean for an entire year! There really is no need. There's a very strong urge, but there's no need to masturbate. I just needed to make a very deep decision in my heart and mind, that I really don't need it. I may slip once in a while, but it's not anymore like "I'm anyway going to fall, so why am I controlling myself today? I'm going to fall tomorrow or the next day". @HashemHelpMe (scroll down to "From GYE Members" to find out more).
 +
* I'm new to gye and reading the Forums I'm seeing for the first time that I actually have the ability to stop masturbating. That its actually possible. I never knew it was even possible to stop for more then 2 weeks or so. I even thought it was probably unhealthy to just not masturbate. @[https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/375519-Didnt-know-there-are-people-who-dont-masturbate%21 Human being]
 +
References: There is a great article about this in ''Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 95). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.''  Ch. 4. - ''Four An incentive-based model''.
 +
 +
See also [https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/12/where-masturbation-and-homosexuality-do-not-exist/265849/ Where Masturbation and Homosexuality Do Not Exist]. [https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/12/where-masturbation-and-homosexuality-do-not-exist/265849/ Original PDF with more info].
  
 
== [For singles] Myth: My porn problem will go away after marriage ==
 
== [For singles] Myth: My porn problem will go away after marriage ==
Line 66: Line 91:
 
== Myth: At some point I'll fall anyway, so what's the point? ==
 
== Myth: At some point I'll fall anyway, so what's the point? ==
  
−
Well, that's like saying, I'll lose a few dollars at some point anyway, so what's the point of winning the lottery? By using the right tools and making it a top priority you'll see amazing success. Just like learning to ride a bike, it might take a few tries, but eventually you'll figure it out! The behavior will no longer be out of control, but will become a conscious choice, and you'll be able to stay clean indefinitely. Falls aren't inevitable.  
+
In this course, you'll learn how to achieve real lasting change. It will take some time<ref>ראה קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' קה השי"ת יעזרך במשך הזמן להנצל מחטאות נעורים ... במשך הזמן תראה איך משתכך יצרך הולך ודועך וכו'.
 +
 
 +
ובאגרות קודש להאדמו"ר מליובאוויטש זצוק"ל אגרת ד'תתקעב "לאט לאט יוטב המצב הלוך וטוב". ובאגרת ג'תפו, לאט לאט תקל עליו המלחמה ומעט מעט יגרש את היצה"ר מגבולו.</ref>, just like it takes time and practice to learn how to ride a bike, or... become a good pilot. You might make some mistakes along the way, we're human, but if you're persistent you'll soon reach a point where this behavior is no longer ''out of control''.   
 +
 
 +
Even if you have a hard time believing that you can break free for good, remember that from a Torah perspective, ''every single victory is very significant''.<ref>'''חפץ חיים - חובת השמירה פרק ג'''
 +
 
 +
והנה אפילו אם לא תועיל בתחילה הקבלה של חובת השמירה '''כי אם למעט את התיפלה ולא יהיה רגיל בהם כל כך, ג"כ כדאי הוא העמל בזה, כי אפילו אם יחסר עי"ז רק עשר תיבות של דיבור האסור ביום, ג"כ יתקבץ עי"ז במשך שנה הרבה יותר משלשת אלפים'''. וידוע כי כשם שע"י לימוד התורה כל דיבור ודיבור הוא מצוה בפני עצמה, כן דיבורים האסורים כל דיבור ודיבור הוא עון בפני עצמו, ומכל עון נברא מקטרג בפני עצמו. ונמצא כשכבש את יצרו וחיסר שלושת אלפים דיבורים האסורים, חיסר שלושת אלפים מקטרגים, והכניס תחתיהם מליצים. וכמאמרה '''ישב אדם ולא עבר עבירה נותנים לו שכר כעושה מצוה.'''
  
−
Secondly, even if you "only" manage to reduce the frequency of your setbacks from twice a week or twice a month, or twice a year, isn't that a HUGE accomplishment? "All-or-nothing" thinking is one of the yetzer hara’s favorite weapons. R’ Yissachar Frand Shlita quoted a famous aphorism at the ''Siyum Hashas,'' “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.”<ref>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_is_the_enemy_of_good</ref> The ''yetzer hara'' loves to motivate someone towards [[perfectionism]], because that typically leads to failure and misery.<ref>The last 2 sentences are from https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590393-life-skills-anti-perfectionism</ref> This healthy attitude makes it much easier to keep on going after a setback, and as time goes by<ref>ראה קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' קה השי"ת יעזרך במשך הזמן להנצל מחטאות נעורים ... במשך הזמן תראה איך משתכך יצרך הולך ודועך וכו'.  
+
ובפרט לפי מה שידוע שאמרו חז"ל הבא לטהר מסייעין אותו, בודאי בהמשך הזמן יעזרהו הקדוש ברוך הוא הרבה בזה, ולא תהיה לו תשוקה כלל לדיבורים האסורים, כשאר איש כשר שאינו מתאוה לאכילת בשר חזיר. כי כאשר האדם מתייגע על איזה דבר בתורה, הקדוש ברוך הוא מסיר יצר הרע ממנו [מאותו דבר], כדאיתא במדרש רבה פרשת נשא, אם יגעת הרבה בדבריהם, הקדוש ברוך הוא מסיר יצר הרע ממך. </ref> Every single time you overcome a temptation, or even ''delay''<ref>לקוטי אמרים תניא פכ"ז - כל מה שהאדם זובח יצרו אפילו שעה קלה כו' משפיל הס"א ואסתלק יקרא דקב"ה וקדושתו לעילא הרבה כו' עיי"ש.
  
−
ובאגרות קודש להאדמו"ר מליובאוויטש זצוק"ל אגרת ד'תתקעב "לאט לאט יוטב המצב הלוך וטוב". ובאגרת ג'תפו, לאט לאט תקל עליו המלחמה ומעט מעט יגרש את היצה"ר מגבולו.</ref> you'll look back and be blown away by how far you've come!
+
And see והאר עיננו עמ' עה בשם כמה גדולים.</ref> giving in is a tremendous Mitzvah.<ref>ראה קריינא דאגרתא חלק א סי' קו: אע״פ שכמה פעמים נכשל ר״ל מ״מ אם לעומת זה הרבה פעמים מנצח ומתגבר על התאווה אז באותו פעם שמתגבר על התאווה הבוערת בו באופן נורא הרי הוא ממשיך אור הקדושה על עצמו ועל העולמות באופן קדוש מאוד מאוד, וחלק גדול מאוד מהניצוצות ‏הקדושות [מה שנחטף השפע להס”א] הרי הוא מוציאם ‏ומחזירם לקדושה ואין לשער גודל רוממות קדושת זה האדם הכובש את תאוותו בזמן תוקפו והוא אז בבחינת יוסף הצדיק. והכלל אדם שיש לו מלחמת היצר ופעמים מנצח פעמים נכשל הרי כמו שהחטא נורא ואיום, לעומתו [ע״י שמנצח הרבה פעמים] זכותו הוא נורא ואיום מאד ‏ויזכה עי״ז לתקן בחייו את מה שפגם ולהחזיר לצד הקדושה כל הניצוצות הקדושות שנעשקו ע״י עוונותיו ר״ל.</ref> This attitude makes it much easier to keep on going after a setback, and as time goes by you'll amazed at far you've come!<ref>See [[setbacks]].</ref>   
  
 +
Yes, the big prize is to reach permanent change, but reaching less perfect goals is incredible too. All or nothing thinking is one of the ''yetzer hara’s'' favorite weapons<ref>[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201906/all-or-nothing-thinking-in-addiction All-or-Nothing Thinking in Addiction | Psychology Today]</ref>. The ''yetzer hara'' loves to motivate someone towards [[perfectionism]], because typically leads to giving failure and misery<ref>The last 2 sentences are from https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590393-life-skills-anti-perfectionism</ref>, no matter how capable you are. ''Perfect is the enemy of good!''<ref>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_is_the_enemy_of_good Quoted by R’ Yissachar Frand Shlita at the ''Siyum Hashas'' </ref>
 
Here's how a GYE member described his attitude:<blockquote>
 
Here's how a GYE member described his attitude:<blockquote>
−
I realize that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the YH strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that I would inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasure opportunities along the way). But in my short time on his program, however, and by reading the handbooks, I have come to ''appreciate'' ''every moment as an accomplishment''. This is true in terms of Zechuyos [spiritual rewards] and in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progression of this disease I can realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, whether I am counting days or not. I truly hope that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has led me to be part of this wonderful forum. @Hoping</blockquote>In lesson ___, we'll discuss more how to deal with setbacks.
+
I realize that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the YH strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that I would inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasure opportunities along the way). But in my short time on his program, however, and by reading the handbooks, I have come to ''appreciate'' ''every moment as an accomplishment''. This is true in terms of Zechuyos [spiritual rewards] and in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progression of this disease I can realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, whether I am counting days or not. I truly hope that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has led me to be part of this wonderful forum. @Hoping</blockquote>We'll talk more about how to deal with setbacks and all or nothing thinking in lesson ___.
  
 
See also:
 
See also:
Line 80: Line 112:
 
* See [https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590393-life-skills-anti-perfectionism Life Skills: Anti-perfectionism] (it has some tips on how to battle perfectionism).
 
* See [https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590393-life-skills-anti-perfectionism Life Skills: Anti-perfectionism] (it has some tips on how to battle perfectionism).
 
* [[Attitude Principles for Lust Struggles|GYE Handbook]]: "Every Little Bit Counts"; "It’s never all or nothing"; "Hashem looks at our efforts, not the results".
 
* [[Attitude Principles for Lust Struggles|GYE Handbook]]: "Every Little Bit Counts"; "It’s never all or nothing"; "Hashem looks at our efforts, not the results".
 +
* Battle of the Generation Ch. 2.
 +
 +
== Myth: My Goal is to to get rid of urges ==
 +
The truth is that some ''urges'' will always remain, it's part of being human, and there's nothing wrong with it.<ref>See [[Dealing with Thoughts|הרהורי עבירה]]. And [[Tanya]].</ref> Our goal is to learn skills that can help us ''cope'' with those urges and get used to a better way of living that does include these old behaviors. As @HashemHelpMe writes, "It is similar to every once in a while we dream about what we could do with a few million dollars, yet we don't entertain the thought of robbing a bank....We all get urges - strong ones at times, but we [tell ourselves that we just] don't watch that poison anymore". 
 +
 +
Urges can weaker and less frequent with time, but it's not something that we can directly control. It's something that changes on its own when we focusing on what we could control, our ''attitudes and behavior''.
 +
 +
See also:
 +
 +
* [[Problem of Instant Gratification (PIG)]]
  
 
== Research ==
 
== Research ==

Latest revision as of 19:29, 22 January 2022

See also Beliefs about Urges.

Research

Rationale: Consciousness raising involves increasing knowledge about oneself and the nature of the problem behavior. This session introduces clients to current research in the addiction field and raises their awareness about advances in the field and hopeful prospects for recovery. When clients talk about how they see themselves in light of new information—and how it differs from their current view—they are using the change process of self-reevaluation. Velasquez, Mary M. Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, Second Edition. P/C/P Session 2

Self-efficacy to quit the addiction seems to be relevant only insofar as a modest amount of it is needed so that the individual avoids becoming discouraged about the possibility of change and giving up even on the contemplation of change. DiClemente, C. C. (2018). Addiction and change : how addictions develop and addicted people recover (Second Ed). Guilford Substance Abuse.

Another reason for the length of the Action period is that it takes time to recover from the neurobiological and neurocognitive effects of the addiction on the brain. DiClemente, C. C. (2018). Addiction and change: how addictions develop and addicted people recover (Second Edi). Guilford Substance Abuse. See also Taite, Richard. Ending Addiction for Good: The Groundbreaking, Holistic, Evidence-Based Way to Transform Your Life (p. 74). Wheatmark, Inc.. Kindle Edition, and The Yes Brain by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson on Blinkist.

Myth: My struggle proves that I am a loser

Okay, so you have some shortcomings and challenges, but does a diamond covered with dust make it a "bad diamond"?

You're a precious child of Hashem, and Hashem loves you like a parent who loves his children unconditionally.[1] Your Neshama which is is a חלק אלוקה ממעל is who you really are. It's your positive behaviors (davening, learning Torah, chessed [acts of kindness] that reflect who you really are.

All males struggle with this to some extent, as Chazal say (Chagiga 11b) נפשו מחמדתן ומתאוה להם - that a person’s nefesh desires it. It's a normal part of life. Even the greatest people have had struggles with inyonei kedusha.[2] This is especially true in our generation when the nisyonos in this area are much greater than every before in history[3]. The amount of pritzus we can see in one day is more than our ancestors would have seen in a lifetime![4] It’s just that since these struggles are not talked about, so you feel as if there's something different about you. Believe it or not, we speak to thousands of guys each year who are struggling with the same thoughts and behaviors as you are[5] — you’re not alone!

The Gemara says (Sukkah 52a), כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו, the greater the person is the greater yetzer hara he will have[6]. So even if you're struggle is harder than average, it just means that Hashem see that you have incredible potential, and has selected you to be an Elite Air Force Pilot to participate in the toughest battle[7] — the last one before Moshiach[8]. Just like Air Force Pilots pilots are adored and respected, Hashem adores you. You should respect yourself too![9]

Feeling positive about yourself is the best shmirah from aveira[10] and is the best motivator for future growth. The better you feel about yourself, the more energy and desire you'll have to strive higher.[9][11] Remembering that are a diamond will also bring you to try to maintain its beauty by guarding it from contamination, and by trying to add to its beauty by polishing it and doing whatever possible to uncover its luster.[12]

Additional points:

  • This struggle doesn’t define you any more than if you'd be struggling with lashon hara.[15]
  • Hashem knows that while you'll lose some battles, you'll win the war.[16] Yes, you're in a tough place right now, but the future is bright! You have it in you, you just need more training and practice.
  • @HashemHelpMe: By signing up to this program you've demonstrated that you're are a growth-oriented person who has the courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys are afraid to face.
    • That's certainly the GuardYourEyes spirit. If you speak to mentors on the site, you'll get nothing but respect. Respect for your courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys struggle with, but are afraid to face.

Myth: I’ve tried many times without success, the struggle is just too hard for me.

Thousands of GYE members just like you have been able to overcome this challenge. It’s just that you need the right strategies, and it often takes more than one try. Studies show that with each attempt your chances of success become higher.[17]

Unlike regular decisions we make in life, habits are more resistant to change. That’s because a habit or addiction develops that creates new neural pathways in the brain. When the tools of GYE you’ll develop new ways of dealing with temptation, that with practice will become a new healthy habit. This takes time and effort, but it works!

In the United States alone, 9.1%, or 22.35 million adults have resolved a substance use problem (alcohol, drugs etc.)[18], and many more have quit smoking[19].

At GYE we get emails all the time from guys who have been struggling for years and years, and have finally been able to break free and reach true freedom.

The fact that the struggle is hard is actually an opportunity. Rav Dessler zt"l explains[20] that we mainly get rewarded for Mitzvos that are hard, because that's where we really have a choice. Not eating a ham sandwich isn't really much of a dilemma, right? Indeed, Chazal[21] say that when we do mitzvos that are difficult, we get 100x time more reward.[22]

[For singles] Myth: Masturbation is a need, it’s impossible to resist

Some guys think it's impossible for single guys not to masturbate. The truth is that while it might be uncomfortable in the beginning (some guys experience what “withdrawal symptoms” - we’ll talk about that later in the course), it’s certainly doable. There’s no volcanic buildup. Your body will easier reabsorb it, or you it will come out as a nocturnal emission (“wet dream”).[23]

Here's a quote from the GYE Handbook:

Some people think that if they are unmarried and have no outlet, they cannot possibly remain clean indefinitely. This is patently false. We have helped many Bochurim to achieve complete abstinence and we have many testimonials of Bochurim who were addicted and broke free using the right tools, attitude and determination. In some ways, it is even easier for Bochurim to refrain completely from lust since they have no need to indulge in it at all. And as Chazal say, “There is a small limb in a man, when it is satiated - it is hungry, but when it is starved - it is satiated”.

Some people today are under the misconception that these behaviors are healthy or even necessary for the body. This is completely untrue. The medical community is in agreement that holding back for long periods of time does not cause anything noticeable to happen. There is no build up of pressure. Our bodies are always reabsorbing and disposing of extra material, including the excess components of zera. It is perfectly natural to keep ‘dry’ for a long period of time. There are no risks or heath problems associated with it at all.

We know of hundreds of young addicts who have broken free from this addiction. Many of them wrote about their recovery and you can find their stories on our website. You can see for yourself how people even worse off than you were able to break free.

And here are some quotes from GYE Members:

  • I used to think back when I was regularly mzl [masturbating] that it would be impossible for me to stop completely and that I will necessarily fall even if try to stop. And that's exactly what happened. Every time. Until I found GYE. I learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it.” @Ftndrug
  • “I’ve masturbated compulsively for years and years, and now I’m clean for an entire year! There really is no need. There's a very strong urge, but there's no need to masturbate. I just needed to make a very deep decision in my heart and mind, that I really don't need it. I may slip once in a while, but it's not anymore like "I'm anyway going to fall, so why am I controlling myself today? I'm going to fall tomorrow or the next day". @HashemHelpMe (scroll down to "From GYE Members" to find out more).
  • I'm new to gye and reading the Forums I'm seeing for the first time that I actually have the ability to stop masturbating. That its actually possible. I never knew it was even possible to stop for more then 2 weeks or so. I even thought it was probably unhealthy to just not masturbate. @Human being

References: There is a great article about this in Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 95). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition. Ch. 4. - Four An incentive-based model.

See also Where Masturbation and Homosexuality Do Not Exist. Original PDF with more info.

[For singles] Myth: My porn problem will go away after marriage

[Relevant for older teens]

The truth is that it won't, “The bottom line is "Married life no more cures a porn addiction than winning the lottery cures a gambling addiction... Unless there is deep change, a person hooked on this kind of experience will not be cured by marriage. Instead, the porn obsession just might destroy the marriage."[24] Due to something called the Coolidge effect porn will be enticing even when you have a real relationship.[25]

To quote Rabbi Yisroel Brog[26], “I promise you, getting married is not going to help you. It may take a little of the edge off temporarily. But then as the Talmud says משביעו רעב - the more you satiate this desire, the more hungry you get.”

Marriage just adds another layer of guilt, because you are not being transparent with your wife, and leads to a lack of satisfaction with your marriage.

Getting married just added another layer to the guilt. The feeling of not being transparent as well as the feeling of betraying her are both enough to drive a man insane.[27] 

And sooner or later, you get caught…

So it’s fantastic that you’ve signed up to our site while you’re still single. By breaking free now, you’ll be setting yourself up for an incredibly satisfying marriage.

Note: If you're struggle is only with thoughts and occasional masturbation, it usually will get easier after marriage.[28]

Related:

  • GYE Boost: Rabbi Avi Wiesenfeld talks about how it doesn't stop after marriage.
  • "Some have the mistaken notion that this problem will go away with marriage, but it’s simply not true; the addiction remains and continues to manifest itself in worse ways." (Ozer Bigevurah p. 68)
  • How pornography damages relationships

Myth: At some point I'll fall anyway, so what's the point?

In this course, you'll learn how to achieve real lasting change. It will take some time[29], just like it takes time and practice to learn how to ride a bike, or... become a good pilot. You might make some mistakes along the way, we're human, but if you're persistent you'll soon reach a point where this behavior is no longer out of control.

Even if you have a hard time believing that you can break free for good, remember that from a Torah perspective, every single victory is very significant.[30] Every single time you overcome a temptation, or even delay[31] giving in is a tremendous Mitzvah.[32] This attitude makes it much easier to keep on going after a setback, and as time goes by you'll amazed at far you've come![33]

Yes, the big prize is to reach permanent change, but reaching less perfect goals is incredible too. All or nothing thinking is one of the yetzer hara’s favorite weapons[34]. The yetzer hara loves to motivate someone towards perfectionism, because typically leads to giving failure and misery[35], no matter how capable you are. Perfect is the enemy of good![36]

Here's how a GYE member described his attitude:

I realize that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the YH strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that I would inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasure opportunities along the way). But in my short time on his program, however, and by reading the handbooks, I have come to appreciate every moment as an accomplishment. This is true in terms of Zechuyos [spiritual rewards] and in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progression of this disease I can realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, whether I am counting days or not. I truly hope that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has led me to be part of this wonderful forum. @Hoping

We'll talk more about how to deal with setbacks and all or nothing thinking in lesson ___.

See also:

  • Setbacks (See "look at the trends" section)
  • See Life Skills: Anti-perfectionism (it has some tips on how to battle perfectionism).
  • GYE Handbook: "Every Little Bit Counts"; "It’s never all or nothing"; "Hashem looks at our efforts, not the results".
  • Battle of the Generation Ch. 2.

Myth: My Goal is to to get rid of urges

The truth is that some urges will always remain, it's part of being human, and there's nothing wrong with it.[37] Our goal is to learn skills that can help us cope with those urges and get used to a better way of living that does include these old behaviors. As @HashemHelpMe writes, "It is similar to every once in a while we dream about what we could do with a few million dollars, yet we don't entertain the thought of robbing a bank....We all get urges - strong ones at times, but we [tell ourselves that we just] don't watch that poison anymore".

Urges can weaker and less frequent with time, but it's not something that we can directly control. It's something that changes on its own when we focusing on what we could control, our attitudes and behavior.

See also:

Research

  • Challenging myths related to positive outcome expectancies and discussing the psychological components of substance use (e.g., placebo effects) provide the client with opportunities to make more informed choices in high-risk situations. Relapse Prevention, Second Edition: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors (Kindle Locations 273-275). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition.
  • Some of the myths dealt with in Group Treatment for Substance Abuse are:
    • Substance users have to hit “rock bottom” before they can change. The truth is there is no proof that it's true and that "quite the contrary; the earlier in the addiction process a person gets intervention, the longer he or she can live a healthy, substance-free life (Hoffman & Froemke, 2007)"
    • Addicts are bad people
    • Addiction is a willpower problem The truth is that "Addiction occurs in an area of the brain called the mesolimbic dopamine system that is not under conscious control. People with substance use disorders still have choice and some control-but it is compromised."
    • Some people just can’t change. The truth is: "Research actually shows that the more change attempts someone makes the more likely he or she is to eventually succeed. With each attempt to change you learn more about yourself and can gain confidence from the strategies that were helpful. (When it comes to nicotine addiction, there are 42 million former smokers, which shows that addicts can change.)"[38]

From GYE Members

Masturbation is not a need

by #HashemHelpMe

Some guys think it's impossible not to masturbate. Here's how I deal with it:

First, I try to introduce them to other bochurim that have stopped.

Second I ask them why they think it's impossible? I ask "Did you ever control yourself for, let's say two weeks? And the guy will say, yeah.

"So how many gallons came out? According to you, there's this volcanic buildup that's taking place that I've asked you is one 60 days. You're going to have five gallons come out. That doesn't happen to anybody."

There really is no need. There's a very strong urge, but there's no need to masturbate.

And as soon as you make that decision, it's very deep decision in your heart and your mind, you really don't need it. You may be נכשל once in awhile, but it's not anymore like "I'm anyway going to fall. So from anywhere it's going to fall, why am I, why am I controlling myself today? I'm going to fall tomorrow or the next day".

Note: The Windows Method is a way to demonstrate that masturbation is not a need.

Torah Sources

  • Ozer Bigevruah p. 93: The bachur has a black-and-white mindset; he thinks it’s either “all or nothing”. He may think, “If I never do it, then I’m okay; I’m a tzaddik. But if I ever do this again, I’m a rasha, and all of my work was for nothing.” Such a bachur is carrying on his shoulders a pressure that is too enormous for a person to handle. Having this kind of attitude prevents him from being able to accept any of the strategies you may want to teach him.
    • ברכת פרץ, פרשת במדבר, שכ’ וז”ל-- באמת עצם ההשתדלות עצמו היא עבודה קדושה וחשובה לפני המקום ב”ה, ( שהרי הוא עוסק בעבודתו ית’ שמו, ואפילו אילו יהא מצבו כך כל ימי חייו, זהו תכליתו בעולמו, וכש”כ שבאמת לא לעולם יהא מצבו ככה, כי סוף סוף זוכה לסייעתא דשמיא ויהא לבו ער לעבודתו ית”ש בלא דחיפות תכופות שע”י נפילות, ונמצא, שהנפילות הללו וירידה זו צורך עלייה הוא [אכן יש בזה סכנה גדולה, כי רבים נפלו ונשאר שבורים וצריך לבקש רחמיםרבים להנצל מזה], ומיד כשחוזר ומתחזק לעלות תמיד במעלות הקודש, יש תועלת רב בהנפילות הללו; עכ”ל.
  1. ↑ See Hashem's Unconditional Love
  2. ↑ See Normalization. General Chizuk and Hashkafah for a Bachur Struggling in Inyanei Kedushah > Did Gedolim also struggle in inyanei kedushah?
  3. ↑ See the concept of the triple-A engine of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity, Al Cooper. Cyber Psychology & Behavior. Jan 1998.187-193.http://doi.org/10.1089/cpb.1998.1.187. See also here. Also see the chapter "The Age of Sexual Temptation" in Douglas Braun-Harvey MA, MFT, CGP, CST, Michael A. Vigorito LMFT, LCPC, C. (2016). Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction (Vol. 7, Issue 2). Springer Publishing Company.
  4. ↑ With internet porn a guy can see more in 10 minutes than his ancestors could see in several lifetimes. See The Great Porn Experiment
  5. ↑ Based Rosmarin & Puritinsky (2019) and private correspondence with the authors.
  6. ↑ See כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו.
  7. ↑ אור יחזקאל ח"א - מכתבים סי' יא - הנה זה כלל לאדם מה ה' דורש ממך, מה שהוא היפוך טבעו, בשביל זאת, לשבור את טבעו, נברא האדם... כי עיקר בריאת האדם היא זאת לשבור ולהסיר הערלה מעל לבו. וכל מה שהאדם מרגיש כבידות - זה ערלה שלו ר"ל, וזה עבודתו, ובזה יעלה מעלה מעלה. See also צדקת הצדיק that you can excel specifically in this area. And see כל הגדול מחבירו יצרו גדול הימנו. See Torah Menachem - Yechidus, "הרי זו מסירות נפש גדולה יותר, מזו שהיתה ליהודים ברוסיה'". עכ"ל. Gedolim of our generation, among them Harav Pam זצ"ל, have stated that the world has not sunk this low since Dor HaMabul (Zos Brisi p. 3)
  8. ↑ See Perspectives on the Struggle > The Challenge Before Moshiach.
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 See Self Worth
  10. ↑ See Despair.
  11. ↑ See also Despair. And see Chazon Ish, Emunah Ubitachon, 4:14: המוסר אומר לאדם אהוב את עצמך ורכוש כבוד, אבל דע לך מה אשרך עלי חלד, ומה כבודך, אין כבוד אלא תורה, אין כבוד אלא ענוה, אין כבוד אלא עזיבת הכבוד, אין אושר רק להשתחרר מנטיות טבעיות, ולהיות נכנע לד' ולתורתו. ע"כ. ובספרי חסידות מבואר הנ"ל באופן אחר קצת.
  12. ↑ Adapted from Mindfulness: A Jewish a Approach by Dr. Jonathan Feiner.
  13. ↑ That even if the struggle is your fault, you still get the same sechar.
  14. ↑ The desire for honor — and caring what others think about us, its common manifestation — is a sublimation of our greatest drive, the desire to reach greatness. We want to be impressed with ourselves and what we have accomplished. • Let’s dream big and act on the inspiration to achieve the greatest experience ever, both in this world and the next.
  15. ↑ שמעתי בשם רבי שלמה וולבה שהוא אמר בשם רבי יחזקאל לוינשטיין שצריכים להתייחס לאיסור שז"ל כמו שמתייחסים לאיסור לשה"ר. (ד”ר בן ציון סורוצקין) וראה מש"כ הרב משה מונק, הובא כאן.
  16. ↑ See Rav Yitzchok Hutner's famous letter. And see Perspectives on the Struggle. See also Play the Yetzer Hara’s game and Win!.
  17. ↑ P/C/P Session 2 Myths and Misconceptions. Velasquez, Mary M. Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, Second Edition (Page 14). The Guilford Press. Kindle Edition. (quoted below)
  18. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6485924/
  19. ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/cessation/smoking-cessation-fast-facts/index.html
  20. ↑ See נקודת הבחירה. והאר עיננו עמ' לז.
  21. ↑ אבות דרבי נתן פ"ה מכ"ג, וספר חסידים (מרגליות) סימן קנה. See Heavenly Reward
  22. ↑ וראה גם ספר חסידים סימן תתקמה, דעתה גברה מאד הסט"א והמעט שעושים עתה חשוב לפניו יתברך כהרבה שהיו עושים הראשונים.
  23. ↑ https://www.themix.org.uk/your-body/mens-health/semen-facts-7278.html
  24. ↑ The Porn Myth Ch. 19.
  25. ↑ See more about the concept at https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybop-articles-on-porn-addiction-porn-induced-problems/you-evolved-to-be-hooked-on-porn/porn-novelty-and-the-coolidge-effect-2011
  26. ↑ https://gyeboost.org/archives/93 at 2:50.
  27. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/347559-Am-I-going-to-suffer-for-the-rest-of-my-life?limit=15&start=30#348475
  28. ↑ That's the reason why Chazal encourage getting married early. See also ספר הגיע זמן (עבוד) and here. See Understanding Masturbation.
  29. ↑ ראה קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' קה השי"ת יעזרך במשך הזמן להנצל מחטאות נעורים ... במשך הזמן תראה איך משתכך יצרך הולך ודועך וכו'. ובאגרות קודש להאדמו"ר מליובאוויטש זצוק"ל אגרת ד'תתקעב "לאט לאט יוטב המצב הלוך וטוב". ובאגרת ג'תפו, לאט לאט תקל עליו המלחמה ומעט מעט יגרש את היצה"ר מגבולו.
  30. ↑ חפץ חיים - חובת השמירה פרק ג והנה אפילו אם לא תועיל בתחילה הקבלה של חובת השמירה כי אם למעט את התיפלה ולא יהיה רגיל בהם כל כך, ג"כ כדאי הוא העמל בזה, כי אפילו אם יחסר עי"ז רק עשר תיבות של דיבור האסור ביום, ג"כ יתקבץ עי"ז במשך שנה הרבה יותר משלשת אלפים. וידוע כי כשם שע"י לימוד התורה כל דיבור ודיבור הוא מצוה בפני עצמה, כן דיבורים האסורים כל דיבור ודיבור הוא עון בפני עצמו, ומכל עון נברא מקטרג בפני עצמו. ונמצא כשכבש את יצרו וחיסר שלושת אלפים דיבורים האסורים, חיסר שלושת אלפים מקטרגים, והכניס תחתיהם מליצים. וכמאמרה ישב אדם ולא עבר עבירה נותנים לו שכר כעושה מצוה. ובפרט לפי מה שידוע שאמרו חז"ל הבא לטהר מסייעין אותו, בודאי בהמשך הזמן יעזרהו הקדוש ברוך הוא הרבה בזה, ולא תהיה לו תשוקה כלל לדיבורים האסורים, כשאר איש כשר שאינו מתאוה לאכילת בשר חזיר. כי כאשר האדם מתייגע על איזה דבר בתורה, הקדוש ברוך הוא מסיר יצר הרע ממנו [מאותו דבר], כדאיתא במדרש רבה פרשת נשא, אם יגעת הרבה בדבריהם, הקדוש ברוך הוא מסיר יצר הרע ממך.
  31. ↑ לקוטי אמרים תניא פכ"ז - כל מה שהאדם זובח יצרו אפילו שעה קלה כו' משפיל הס"א ואסתלק יקרא דקב"ה וקדושתו לעילא הרבה כו' עיי"ש. And see והאר עיננו עמ' עה בשם כמה גדולים.
  32. ↑ ראה קריינא דאגרתא חלק א סי' קו: אע״פ שכמה פעמים נכשל ר״ל מ״מ אם לעומת זה הרבה פעמים מנצח ומתגבר על התאווה אז באותו פעם שמתגבר על התאווה הבוערת בו באופן נורא הרי הוא ממשיך אור הקדושה על עצמו ועל העולמות באופן קדוש מאוד מאוד, וחלק גדול מאוד מהניצוצות ‏הקדושות [מה שנחטף השפע להס”א] הרי הוא מוציאם ‏ומחזירם לקדושה ואין לשער גודל רוממות קדושת זה האדם הכובש את תאוותו בזמן תוקפו והוא אז בבחינת יוסף הצדיק. והכלל אדם שיש לו מלחמת היצר ופעמים מנצח פעמים נכשל הרי כמו שהחטא נורא ואיום, לעומתו [ע״י שמנצח הרבה פעמים] זכותו הוא נורא ואיום מאד ‏ויזכה עי״ז לתקן בחייו את מה שפגם ולהחזיר לצד הקדושה כל הניצוצות הקדושות שנעשקו ע״י עוונותיו ר״ל.
  33. ↑ See setbacks.
  34. ↑ All-or-Nothing Thinking in Addiction | Psychology Today
  35. ↑ The last 2 sentences are from https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4590393-life-skills-anti-perfectionism
  36. ↑ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_is_the_enemy_of_good Quoted by R’ Yissachar Frand Shlita at the Siyum Hashas
  37. ↑ See הרהורי עבירה. And Tanya.
  38. ↑ P/C/P Session 2 Myths and Misconceptions. Velasquez, Mary M. Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, Second Edition (Page 14). The Guilford Press. Kindle Edition.
Retrieved from "http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/?title=Debunking_Myths&oldid=3007"